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Hey Jealousy: Why we get jealous and what to do about it

Hey Jealousy: Why we get jealous and what to do about it

Jealousy- it’s not a fun emotion to experience and it’s not exactly something to be proud of.  Jealousy is a feeling of envy and wishing that you had something that someone else has, or even sometimes wishing that something bad would happen to someone who you perceive as having some kind of advantage over you.  Everyone experiences jealousy sometimes, but it’s important to keep it in check to make sure that jealousy doesn’t cause you undue distress or problems in your relationships.

Why Do We Experience Jealousy?

Jealousy is complex, and can be triggered when people feel threatened in some way or have a fear of losing something, such as an important relationship.  It can arise when people are competing for the attention of a third party, or when there is a perception that someone has something you don’t have, including some kind of advantage.  These feelings can be triggered by competition in romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships and friendships.

Humans can also experience jealousy when competing for resources and social capital.   Social capital just means that certain qualities, such as appearance, financial resources, or personality strengths give people an advantage in the broader society. Our culture is predicated upon people being able to access resources that include things that increase our social and financial capital.  This is why you can feel jealous, for example, if you think someone is more attractive than you, because it seems like they have an unfair advantage in being able to secure romantic partners, receive attention or favors, or even to be treated more respectfully or favorably.

There is plenty of research that backs up how people with certain qualities receive more benefits and advantages because of them. People who are considered conventionally attractive tend to get more job offers, make more money, receive more attention from potential romantic partners, more social acceptance, and even more leniency when in trouble.  People who have more financial resources tend to have more power, fewer social problems, and yes, more leniency when in trouble.  It stands to reason then, that people can look upon others who have these advantages and feel envious that they don’t have the same advantage.

It’s certainly not fair that subjective qualities such as beauty result in more advantages, just as it’s not always fair that objective resources such as money results in other advantages like power or authority or respect.  However, given that we are all going to experience jealousy sometimes and we all have to live in the world as it is, it is worthwhile to gain some control over any tendencies towards jealousy you may have and build more resilience towards negative emotional reactions.

What To Do About Jealousy

While jealousy is a natural emotion to experience, it’s distressful and can take up too much of your emotional energy.  Not only that, it’s also not very productive as an emotional state.  It doesn’t help you improve yourself, it doesn’t help you feel better about yourself, and it doesn’t usually motivate you to work harder on your goals.

It can, however, motivate you to act irrationally, damage your personal relationships, and make you look insecure and petty.

One of the mistakes that I see people make sometimes is that they want someone else to make them feel better when they are feeling jealous.  For example, they want their partner to provide more reassurance to them when they feel jealous of another person, or they might make baseless accusations about what other people are thinking or feeling when in reality their perceptions are rooted in jealousy rather than rational facts.  This can cause damage in relationships because friends or partners get annoyed and fatigued when they have to constantly provide reassurance for reasons that seem irrational or rooted in insecurity and jealousy.

Combatting jealousy involves turning your focus back onto yourself so that you can stop wasting emotional energy on irrational jealousy.  Here are 5 tips on what you can do to combat feelings of jealousy and keep your emotional state in balance:

  1. Practice Gratitude: First and foremost, practicing gratitude daily can help you feel less jealous and more secure.  Increasing the gratitude you have for your life and relationships can help you to feel less threatened by others who may have resources or advantages that you don’t have.  There are always going to be people who have more than you, or advantages that you don’t have.  Yet in reality there is probably a lot that you can feel grateful for and there are others that have less  than you.  There may even be people who are jealous of you, though you might not even know it.  Check out the link above for tips on how to cultivate a gratitude practice
  2. Acknowledge your strengths: While it can seem like other people have strengths, privileges, and advantages, you likely have all of those things too.  Everyone has strengths, and you likely have advantages too in other ways.  Take the time to recognize everything you have that enables you to be successful and helps you to move forward in your life.  Make an inventory of your strengths that includes things that you are good at, what you like about your personality, things that make you unique, ways in which you’ve helped other people in positive ways, challenges that you have overcome, and compliments that you have received.
  3. Check your values: Understanding your values is part of being emotionally intelligent, because your values help to guide your choices and priorities.  Vales can be things like love, family, security, fairness, responsibility, loyalty, and many other qualities that you want to embody in your life.  Values can be helpful when you’re feeling jealous because more than likely being a jealous person isn’t something that you value or want to prioritize in your life. Think about the values that you want to have and the qualities that you want others to recognize in you.  If how you’re feeling isn’t in line with those things, then it’s time to let go of jealousy thoughts and focus on living out your own values.
  4. Challenge your cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are like mind-tricks that we engage in that often involve irrational thoughts that can distort reality and lead to negative emotions.  Understanding these distortions can help you overcome jealousy by learning to approach issues from a more rational context. Challenging cognitive distortions involves recognizing irrational thought patterns and then practicing more rational and objective ways of thinking about situations and feelings.  For more information on cognitive distortions  check out the link above and the other posts in my series on the topic here, here, here, and here.
  5. Acknowledge feelings of jealousy:  When you acknowledge that you are feeling jealous, you can disempower that feeling.  People often deny being jealous, but that doesn’t usually help you feel any better.  This doesn’t mean you have to tell the person you are jealous of how you feel.  That may not be wise or productive, depending on the circumstances.  However, even if you just acknowledge it to yourself or another close friend, recognizing that you are having a natural emotion that needs to be dealt with can help you take control of the feeling and confront it.  Try to understand why you are feeling that way and what kinds of inadequacies you think you have that are triggering jealous feelings.  Then, practice the tips above to put the focus back on being your best self and dropping the comparisons.

 

Releasing the power that jealousy has on you can be an effective way to build your own confidence and let go of negative emotions.  Remember that the only person you need to be in competition with is yourself, and jealousy isn’t serving you in any positive way.  When we acknowledge our more unpleasant emotions and work to think about them in more logical and healthy ways, then we gain the benefits of having a higher emotional intelligence.  It’s not about denying that you ever feel jealous or pretending that you’re above it all.  It’s about acknowledging that you’re human with the same emotions as everybody else, but choosing to not be ruled by those emotions or let them drag you into a negative emotional state.

For more information on Emotional Intelligence, check out these posts:

How to Build Emotional Resilience

Are You Using Selective Self Control?

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

Setting Boundaries

4 Steps for Anger Management

How to Build Emotional Resilience

How to Build Emotional Resilience

When you have been through difficult emotional periods in your life, you know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of a depressive state or break habits that you know are bad for you.  Yet you may also know that those difficult experiences have shaped who you are and made you stronger and more capable as a person.  Emotional resilience comes from overcoming difficult times and continuing to move forward with your life, even when you may not feel like it.

What Is Emotional Resiliency?

Emotional resilience has to do with how well you cope with difficult emotions when they arise and how well you handle emotional challenges such as grief, anger, frustration, failure, or other problems.  When you are emotionally resilient, you still have emotional reactions to the situations you may find yourself in, but you don’t let the circumstances overwhelm you or pull you down into a dark place that leads to self- destructive patterns. Difficulties can be managed, and they do not change who you are as person or what your core values and beliefs are.

If you feel like your emotions are often in charge of how you react to situations instead of you controlling your emotional reactions, then you may need to practice building up your emotional resilience. Strong emotional resilience can help you cope with challenging situations without becoming overwhelmed or wanting to give up.

How To Build Emotional Resiliency

Building emotional resilience can take time, partially because you have to actually experience challenges and struggles in order for you to become resilient towards them. Everyone eventually experiences feelings like grief, anger, frustration, and failure, but the circumstances which trigger these emotions depends on what is happening in your life at any given time.

When you do experience these feelings or are going through a challenging situation, keep these tips in mind to help you cope with those challenges and build emotional resiliency.

  1. Acceptance:  This is a tough one for many people. Accepting circumstances as they are when you really want the situation to be different is always a challenge.  However, the sooner you accept that something bad has happened so now you have to figure out how to deal with it, the quicker you can get on with your life and figure out how to move past the problem and towards the solution.  Sometimes there might not be a solution, such as when you have lost a loved one to death or when a tragedy has occurred that cannot be changed. While you may experience other stages of grief such as denial, you ultimately must accept the circumstances, so practicing acceptance is a key component of emotional resiliency.
  2. Figure out what you can control:   Sometimes you will not feel like there is much you can control when something bad has happened, but if you think about it and try to look for your choices, you may find the things that are within your control.  When you figure out what you can control then you can empower yourself to make the best choices under the circumstances, and that will often lead to improvement in your emotional state.
  3. Let go of what you cannot control:   After you have figured out what you can control, then you can practice letting go of the things  you cannot control. That may be clear at times, such as knowing that something in the past has already happened and you can’t change it.  Other times it may be more confusing, such as when you are unsure whether your efforts are going to pay off if you take a risk.  Sometimes the only thing you may be able to control is your outlook and attitude towards the problem. Regardless of what’s happening, you will feel more resilient towards difficult circumstances when you learn to let go of any anger or resentment towards things you cannot control and try focusing only on what is within your own power to control.
  4. Acknowledge your emotions: Emotional resilience is not about not having emotions, but it is about understanding and accepting your emotions.  You cannot move past an emotion if you do not acknowledge and accept it.  For example, if you feel angry about something, but you don’t ever acknowledge or express that anger, then eventually it builds up inside you and turns into resentment and cynicism.  Once you acknowledge that you feel angry and work through accepting the circumstances and choices that caused that emotion, then you can let go of it and move on to a calmer emotional state.
  5. Take responsibility for your actions and reactions: You cannot control what other people do or how they react, but you can control your own behaviors and reactions. When you take responsibility for your own actions, you will feel more in control, which will lead to more emotional resilience. There may be times when you don’t feel proud of your own behavior or reactions.  You can still build emotional resilience when that happens though, by resolving to learn from your mistakes and make better choices in the future.
  6. Recognize when you are being self-destructive: Coping skills can be either healthy or unhealthy, and unhealthy coping skills tend to increase when you’re under stress or dealing with difficult emotions.  Part of taking responsibility for your actions and taking control when you can is recognizing when your own coping skills are becoming self-destructive.  This can happen when we start using food, or alcohol, or substances, or other unhealthy behaviors to cover up the difficult emotions we are experiencing.  When the coping skills you are using are doing more damage to you in long run, it’s time to recognize that your self-destructive behaviors are just prolonging the painful emotions you need to deal with. Emotional resiliency comes from dealing with your emotions, not from covering them up.
  7. Stop ruminating:  Rumination can become unhealthy when you are constantly dwelling on an issue or replaying scenes over and over in your head. You get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and feelings that don’t help you move forward at all.  Sometimes ruminating on a problem can be helpful when you are looking for a solution, but rumination becomes distressful when you become preoccupied with something and can’t move past it. When you are asking yourself questions with no real solution or answer, such as “What if…” or “Why did this happen..”, you can get caught up in cycles of rumination that leave you with no solutions.  Instead, try asking yourself questions like “How can I change things…” or “What are my choices..” to try and find solutions.  Focusing on those kinds of questions will help you build emotional resiliency as you work on becoming more solution focused rather than staying stuck in negative emotional cycles.
  8. Release feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame: This trifecta of emotions can send you on a downwards spiral of self-destructive behavior if you don’t learn to cope with these feelings and release them.  This is not about absolving yourself from any blame when something bad has happened, but it is about being realistic about what you are actually responsible for and letting go of these negative emotions when they are not serving you well.  If you examine these feelings, you may realize that you have been blaming yourself for things that were not your fault. You might need to recognize that you don’t have to accept responsibility for things you have been feeling guilty about.  There might be other times when you do feel sincerely regretful about something you did, and in those times it is appropriate to acknowledge the feelings of guilt and blame.  You may need to forgive yourself for things that you regret, or you may need to apologize when it’s appropriate.  However, you aren’t helping anyone by drowning in guilt and shame or ruminating about things that are in the past and can’t be changed.
  9. Understand your own cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are like little mind tricks that we all engage in sometimes, but that can distort reality when we don’t look at things in a rational way.  You can build up more emotional resiliency when you learn to recognize the mental patterns you use that distort reality and keep you stuck in negative thought patterns.  Learn more about cognitive distortions by reading the Cognitive Distortion Series I have on the blog.
  10. Practice gratitude: When you really feel overwhelmed and stuck in negativity, it’s always a good practice to come back to gratitude.  Cultivating a gratitude practice regularly will help you build emotional resiliency by helping you stay focused on the positive things you have in your life and give energy towards more of those things.  Even when times are really tough most of us have something that we can be grateful for. Many of us have more than enough to be grateful for, and while none of us is immune from suffering, we can all build emotional strength to help us cope with life and it’s struggles.

Emotional resiliency is a trait that you can develop, and like other areas of personal development, it is something that takes practice.  The more you practice dealing with circumstances by choosing acceptance, gratitude and responsibility versus choosing rumination, negativity, and shame, the greater control you will feel over your life and your choices.

You will not always be able to control the circumstances and situations that happen in life, and you will not always be able to control the actions and feelings of others.  However, you can choose to mentally shift your perspective in ways that will help you build up more emotional resiliency.  Practicing emotional intelligence will help you be better able to handle emotions when they arise and help you feel more confident about how you are choosing to handle problems and circumstances.

For more about Emotional Intelligence, check out these posts:

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

Setting Boundaries

Are You Using Selective Self Control?

4 Steps for Anger Management

Cognitive Distortions: Disqualifying the Positive

 

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

How to Identify Toxic Relationships

If you have a relationship with a toxic person, whether that is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even a family relationship, you might often find yourself frustrated, drained, and confused about how to handle the situation. It’s hard to know how to set boundaries with people or know when to cut ties with someone that you care about.  You may not recognize how toxic the relationship has become until you take some time to really think about the patterns that have been established.

What Are Toxic Relationships?

Toxic relationships tend to drain your energy, because the patterns of behavior from a toxic person can be confusing, hypocritical, and exhausting.  Some people actually thrive on the conflict and drama that they create in their personal lives.  The reasons why people do this are just as confusing, and usually not worth your time to try and figure out.  It usually has to do with personal insecurity and poor emotional intelligence.  Trying to change the other person or have healthy boundaries can be just as exhausting, because ultimately you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, or who doesn’t see the toxic patterns in their own behavior.

There are many signs that the relationship you are in is has become toxic, which means you need to think about changing some things to protect your own mental health and establish healthier relationships with this other person.   Again, this could apply to a friendship, a romantic relationship, or another personal relationship, even a co-worker or supervisor.  The toxic person in your life may not display all of these sings, but they likely will display at least a few of these signs if their pattern of behavior is unhealthy.

Here are 10 things to look out for that indicate you are in a toxic relationship:

1: You get upset at this person, but then you end up apologizing to them for something else entirely. They have a way of turning arguments or disagreements around so that you end up feeling guilty for everything, even things that are not your fault. They rarely take responsibility for their own faults, and when confronted they turn the focus back to the person who is calling out their behavior.

2: You are constantly accommodating their needs, but when you need help or support, they aren’t there for you. Toxic people tend to latch on to other people who are givers and empaths, but they are often not willing to give support back to other people.

3:  They make a lot of promises or agreements, but they rarely follow through with what they say they will do. They are willing to follow through with things that will benefit themselves, but toxic people will not prioritize other people’s needs, so if they see no benefit to themselves, they don’t follow through with their commitments.

4: They are constantly complaining, but they never do anything to change their circumstances.  They may blame everyone else for issues, but never take responsibility for solving their own problems.  You may find yourself caught up in trying to rescue them often or fix their problems for them.  They start to assume that you will be there to fix things for them, and they may even become angry when you don’t fix their problems for them or bail them out from the consequences of their own behaviors.

5:  They may be negative more often than not.  They will avoid doing things because they insist that things will not work.  They may avoid making changes because they always find barriers to making progress or changing their behavior.  Even when you try to cheer them up or point out the positive in situations, they will still shut down any solutions you offer or refuse to acknowledge anything positive.  It can be hard to be around people like this after awhile because they start to negatively affect your mood, too.

6: Toxic people may avoid issues altogether by denying that a problem exists, or avoid hard conversations by just saying they have nothing to say, or giving one-word answers when you are trying to resolve a problem or talk about an issue.  They may also stall, saying that they will do something later, or wait for someone else to do it.

7: You feel like you have to walk on eggshells or watch what you say around this person to avoid an argument or problem.  A toxic person may become highly defensive if you try to raise any issue that you want to talk about. They also may have a tendency to say things that are hurtful or condescending, so you become defensive too, so as not to find yourself under attack in some way.

8: They may expect you to read their mind, or know how they feel at all times, so that when they become upset you may be the one who gets blamed. You may find yourself trying to do the right thing, but no matter what you do, they end up finding fault with something you did or said. Toxic people can be extremely difficult to please, because they expect others to cater to them, yet they will easily find fault in others when mistakes happen or if they don’t get their way.

9: They may ignore your boundaries when you try to set limits with them, but they become upset when you try to enforce those boundaries.  Toxic people feel victimized when other people set boundaries with them, and so even if you try to set healthy boundaries, they may not respect your wishes or accuse you of abandoning them when you try to stick to those limits.

10: They may make fun of you or otherwise say hurtful things, but if you get upset they accuse you of being too sensitive or of not being able to take a joke.  When you stand up for yourself, they distance themselves from you to punish you for doing so. It might seem easier to just let things slide, even when you feel hurt, because trying to address how you feel will just result in an argument or more denials from the toxic person.

There are many other things that toxic people may do that are confusing, hurtful and unhealthy.  Unfortunately it can be hard to set boundaries with people like this, and you may still care about them and want to continue to friendship or relationship.  However, you need to remember that you cannot change another person, especially someone who does not see the need for them to change.

What To Do If You Are In a Toxic Relationship

Sometimes, you may be able to keep the person in your life, but you might have to cut back on how much time you spend with them.  If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who exhibits these patterns, then you really need to consider whether you can continue to tolerate this kind of dynamic in your relationship.  It is possible for people to change, but you might need help from a professional, and your partner has to be willing to look at their own toxic patterns.

If these patterns are present in the workplace, you may not have any choice but to try and find other employment, especially if the person is in a supervisory position over you.  While you always have to carefully weigh your options when it comes to work, staying in a toxic work environment can cause long-term stress and contribute to a decline in your overall mental health and quality of life. When it is a co-worker you have difficulties with, you can try to limit your conversations to work-related issues and avoid contact with them outside of work.

Other times, when it is a family member or a person that you can’t or don’t want to cut out of your life, you have to start to adjust your expectations and limit how much time and energy you give to this toxic person in your life.  Although it can be difficult, you have to ask yourself some hard questions about whether you can continue to spend your emotional energy in a relationship with someone who does not respect your needs or feelings. Setting boundaries and limiting your contact with toxic people are often the best strategies to avoid these relationships have a significant negative effect on your life.

For more information on setting boundaries and emotional intelligence, check out these other posts:

Emotional Intelligence Series: Setting Boundaries

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

9 Tips To Deal With Difficult People

The Psycho-Somatic Trauma Response: Understanding the Mind-Body Connection to Trauma

The Psycho-Somatic Trauma Response: Understanding the Mind-Body Connection to Trauma

When a person experienced a trauma, such as life-threatening events, abusive relationships, sexual assault, or witnessing violence, they often experience physical responses and ailments that may last years after the traumatic experience is over. These kinds of responses in the body are known as psycho-somatic symptoms, and they are part of the mind-body connection to trauma. Healing from trauma can be aided by understanding and including the body’s reaction to trauma and addressing symptoms from a holistic approach that includes physical care.

What are Psycho-somatic Trauma Symptoms?

Psycho-somatic symptoms are any kind of physical symptoms that you experience that seem to have no biological origin, but instead are related to psychological distress.  When a person experiences trauma, they may not have physical injuries, but they do have psychological injuries that are expressed in a variety of ways.  The response to trauma includes psychological symptoms such as intrusive memories, guilt, depression, anxiety, or disconnection.  However, the response to trauma may also include psycho-somatic symptoms that manifest as physical ailments and symptoms.

Your body has the ability to react to danger by increasing adrenaline and other physical responses to enable you to react in order to survive. Your nervous system reacts to enable you to get away, fight back, or shut down to protect yourself- this is also known as your fight, flight, or freeze response. After the danger has passed, the body may still hold that energy in the body or manifest symptoms that serve as a physical place for the pain of the psychological trauma to sit until it can be dispelled.

Psycho-somatic symptoms can occur in a number of ways that are very unique to an individual depending on their personal experiences of trauma and their body’s reaction to it.  There are some symptoms, however, that are common for trauma survivors to experience.

Some examples of psycho-somatic responses to trauma may include:

  • Muscle Aches and pain
  • Exaggerated startle response
  • Insomnia or other sleep disturbances
  • Gastro-intestinal problems
  • Immune system dysfunction
  • Fatigue or lack of energy
  • Teeth grinding
  • Psycho-motor agitation or tremors
  • Increased heart rate
  • Dizzinesss

Incorporating Somatic Healing in Trauma Recovery

When you understand that some of the physical symptoms you are experiencing may be connected to past traumas, you can begin to consciously start to incorporate your physical healing with your emotional healing. Somatic therapy is an approach to trauma recovery that includes a focus on the connection between the mind and body and the psycho-somatic symptoms that are manifesting in an individual’s trauma response.

There are many effective and important ways in which somatic healing can be incorporated into the trauma recovery process.  These include:

  • Body scan meditations

This process can help clients become more aware of spots of tension and stress being held in the muscle structure.

  • Breathing techniques

These techniques can help clients to use their breath to release tension and calm the body during periods of acute stress, panic, or flashbacks.

  • Physical exercise

Exercise increases circulation in the body and can help dispel negative energy stuck in the body.

  • Movement therapy

Incorporating movement during therapy can help an individual release associated psychological tension in the body.

  • Healing touch or energy work such as Reiki

Some clients find gentle touch to aid in relieving tension and pain.  Energy work such as reiki may help clients who have difficulty with being touched due to past traumas.

  • Acupuncture

This practice can help relieve muscle tension that may be associated with psycho-somatic symptoms.

  • Massage

Professional massage can also help to dispel muscle aches and pains that may be associated with psycho-somatic responses.

  • Titration

This process involves a therapist guiding a client through traumatic memories and asking the client to note any physical sensations occurring in the body as the memories are processed to increase awareness of somatic responses and help incorporate psychological healing into the somatic experience.

  • Pendulation

This is another therapist-guided technique that involves moving the client in between a state where physical symptoms are present to one of homeostasis, in which the goal is to help the client dispel stress and negative energy.

The incorporation of any of these methods into your trauma recovery healing process may help trauma survivors to more fully heal from their experiences by reconnecting to their body and establishing an outlet for traumatic psychological injuries to be dispelled from the body.  These types of methods can be appropriate for all trauma survivors, but not everyone is the same or needs the same kind of healing, so consultation with a professional therapist is advisable.  There are considerations for which methods may be appropriate for certain kinds of trauma.

 

Considerations for Psycho-Somatic Healing Experiences

Incorporating somatic healing into the trauma recovery process can be a powerful way of integrating the mind and body during the healing process.  However, the most important thing to keep in mind when turning to some of these techniques is that trauma healing should be helpful, not harmful, and every technique is not right for everyone.

The comfort of the trauma survivor is of paramount importance during the healing process.  This is especially important when it comes to physical touch.  Many survivors, particularly those whose trauma involved a violation of their physical boundaries such as in cases of sexual or physical assault, may have extreme distress or discomfort when being touched.  In these cases, approaches such as massage or healing touch may not be appropriate.  For clients with interest in energy work but who do not feel comfortable with personal touch, an approach such as reiki  where hands are not put directly on the client may be more appropriate.

Furthermore, clients who have extreme reactions to distressful memories must be treated with caution and compassion when doing work that involves traumatic memory processing such as titration, pendulation, or body scan meditation.  This does not mean these approaches should not be used, but the therapist needs to be aware of their client’s limits and be able to stop the process if the memories become too intense or disturbing.  The goal of these therapies is to help aid in healing, not to provoke unnecessary distress in the survivor.  All clients should be informed about the limitations and benefits of any process or technique used and be able to consent to participation in the therapy.

Incorporating somatic healing techniques through the trauma recovery process can help clients reconnect with their bodies and incorporate healing with a more holistic approach than traditional psychotherapy alone.  While psychotherapy is also an important part of trauma recovery, incorporating somatic healing experiences can enhance the recovery process.  However, somatic healing experiences are also not a total substitute for trauma-focused psychotherapy either.  A holistic approach to trauma recovery will include attention to healing all parts of the survivor with respect to their needs as an individual.

For more information on Trauma Recovery, check out these posts:

What to Expect from Trauma Recovery Therapy

4 Ways That Trauma Affects Memory

How Trauma Affects Your Brain

10 Ways Trauma Affects Your Relationships

5 Things Needed for Trauma Recovery

5 Things to Ditch When You’re Feeling Depressed

5 Things to Ditch When You’re Feeling Depressed

Everyone has times in their life when they feel depressed, but clinical depression is more prolonged and intense than just having a sad day once in a while.  When you are in a depressive state, it can be a challenge to get out of, even when you’re tired of feeling bad all the time.

Most therapists and other helping people will encourage you to focus on positive experiences, thoughts, and people to help you get out of that depressive state and back to feeling good. However, it’s also helpful to think about some of the things that you can cut out of your life that might be contributing to your depression and making you feel worse.  It can be hard to get motivated to do the all the self-care you’re supposed to be doing when you’re in the midst of an intense depressive state.

Cutting some things out instead of adding more to your to-do list can be one strategy to combat depression and start to feel better, so that you actually have the energy to take care of yourself. Here are some things that you can safely ditch when you’re feeling depressed so that you have more time and energy to focus on yourself and get to feeling better:

1: Social Media

We all know that social media can be a place of comparison and drama when it’s not being used properly.  When you’re feeling depressed, social media can sometimes contribute to you feeling worse, especially if you get trapped into thinking that everyone’s lives seem better than yours or that other people seem to be happy and thriving while you’re not.

In reality, some people are putting their best faces, experiences, and attitudes forward on social media and not necessarily the full picture of their daily struggles.  Others might be constantly posting negativity, berating each other publicly, or starting arguments with little chance for resolution on public forums.  All of this can get overwhelming as you’re scrolling through your social feeds.

While it may be tempting to surf through all of your social platforms when you’re feeling down or bored, consider temporarily checking out of your social media profiles when you’re having a depressive episode.  The point is not to avoid people or the world in general, but you’ll be better off connecting with people in person who support you rather than spending too much time on social media when you’re feeling down.

2: Toxic People

Most of us know at least one toxic person, and possibly quite a few.  Toxic people are the ones that either contribute to all of the negativity in the world because they have negative energy overall, or those who directly speak or act in ways that are hurtful or damaging to those around them.  You probably know who the toxic people are in your life if you spend a bit of time thinking about it.  It could be the person at work who is always complaining about the office or their home life, or it could be that one friend who pretends to be supportive but in reality finds ways to cut you down or dismiss your feelings whenever given the chance.

If you have a toxic person in your life, feel free to limit your contact with them or cancel any plans you might have made if you are feeling depressed and know their energy would just make things worse.  This is all part of having healthy boundaries, and boundaries are part of self-care.  When you’re feeling depressed, cutting out time with negative, toxic people is part of getting through that depressive episode.  You don’t owe time or attention to people who negatively affect your mental health, even if they are among your friends and family.

3: Excess Clutter

Sometimes when you are feeling depressed, your physical possessions can tend to pile up and your space becomes a physical representation of how you feel inside.  Think of dishes taking over the kitchen, laundry taking over the living room, and clutter taking over your whole home.  The prospect of cleaning everything up seems overwhelming, and the whole mess contributes to how overwhelmed, sad, and unmotivated you feel.  The best strategy when this starts to happen is to tackle one thing at a time.

When you are depressed, you probably aren’t going to feel motivated to de-clutter all of your space, so think about just picking up one thing at a time.  When you walk to the bathroom, grab something to throw in the trash on the way or the laundry bin.  If you go to the kitchen to get a snack, put up one or two dishes from the dishwashing machine or wash one pot in the sink.  Don’t think you have to tackle it all at once, but recognize that one small bit of progress is not too overwhelming to manage, and doing one thing can create momentum.  You will likely feel somewhat better when your space isn’t overwhelming you too, so just focus on small tasks, and by the end of one day you will have made some progress.

4: Negative Self- Talk & Rumination

This can be a tough one to tackle, because the nature of depression is such that your mind finds ways to remind you of the negative outlook on almost everything that is happening, and it all gets tied in with the hopelessness and loss of motivation that you are already feeling.  However, ditching negative self-talk and negative rumination is one of the most powerful things that you can practice to help combat symptoms of depression.

First, you need to notice the thoughts that you are having that are negative and unhelpful. Recognize when you are engaging in thoughts patterns where you are ruminating on thoughts, people, or experiences that are not helping you to solve a problem or move past an issue.  When you are having repetitive thoughts, such as “I can’t do anything right, nothing I do will make a difference, everyone thinks negative things about me…”, then you need to take control over this thought pattern.

When you recognize these negative thought patterns, write down all of the negative things you are saying to yourself, and then directly challenge those thoughts.  Make an argument to yourself about why these thoughts are limiting you and make a conscious choice to change those thoughts in a more positive direction.  You can enlist the help of a good friend or confident, your therapist if you have one, or you can do it yourself.  But don’t let those thoughts go unchallenged, or they will take over your mental space and push you further into that depressive state.

5: Extra Obligations

We all have obligations that we have to meet in order to keep out lives on track and running smoothly.  Work, school, family obligations, and other responsibilities are a part of all of our lives.  Sometimes, though, you can afford to let go of some of the things you typically feel obligated to do, especially if you are someone who tends to over-commit yourself to others or take on more than you can reasonably handle.  If this is a problem you have, then these extra-obligations can feel like more opportunities for failure or letting people down, and when you’re depressed, that can take on extra significance.  When you are experiencing a depressive episode, however, this is a time to trim down your extra obligations and focus on getting your basic needs met.

If you have a partner that can pick up some of the slack, then enlist their help when possible.  If you need to cancel plans that feel too burdensome, that’s okay, just try to be conscientious and forthright towards people that you have made commitments to.  You don’t have to over-explain everything, but it’s okay to let people know that you’re not feeling well and you’re not able to meet those obligations you’ve committed to.

This is not to say that you can abandon all of your responsibilities.  If you start to just check out of everything, like taking too many days off work, not taking care of your children, or abandoning tasks that need to get done like paying bills then you might find yourself suffering from consequences that will make your depression worse.  This strategy is about ditching the excess stuff that you can do without, like too many social obligations or over-committing to extra projects.  If you find yourself struggling to complete necessary obligations that keep your life together, then it’s time to get some professional help with your depression.

Manage Depression by Focusing on One Thing At A Time

Managing depression usually requires multiple different strategies, and sometimes it feels like a beast that is too hard to tackle all at once.  You don’t have to give in to the sadness and fatigue, though.  Every day and every hour is a new opportunity to try something different, and it will be worth the effort you make to feel better.

When it seems like self-care is elusive or like no matter what you do you’re still feeling bad, then try to trim down what you’re focusing on.  Thinking about everything all at once can be too overwhelming, so just try to think about one strategy at a time and give yourself credit for that.  Abandoning your social media scrolling in favor of a walk outside or canceling dinner plans with that toxic person in favor of some time spent journaling or calling your more positive friend who lives across the country can make a difference in how you feel at the end of the day.