fbpx
Hey Jealousy: Why we get jealous and what to do about it

Hey Jealousy: Why we get jealous and what to do about it

Jealousy- it’s not a fun emotion to experience and it’s not exactly something to be proud of.  Jealousy is a feeling of envy and wishing that you had something that someone else has, or even sometimes wishing that something bad would happen to someone who you perceive as having some kind of advantage over you.  Everyone experiences jealousy sometimes, but it’s important to keep it in check to make sure that jealousy doesn’t cause you undue distress or problems in your relationships.

Why Do We Experience Jealousy?

Jealousy is complex, and can be triggered when people feel threatened in some way or have a fear of losing something, such as an important relationship.  It can arise when people are competing for the attention of a third party, or when there is a perception that someone has something you don’t have, including some kind of advantage.  These feelings can be triggered by competition in romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships and friendships.

Humans can also experience jealousy when competing for resources and social capital.   Social capital just means that certain qualities, such as appearance, financial resources, or personality strengths give people an advantage in the broader society. Our culture is predicated upon people being able to access resources that include things that increase our social and financial capital.  This is why you can feel jealous, for example, if you think someone is more attractive than you, because it seems like they have an unfair advantage in being able to secure romantic partners, receive attention or favors, or even to be treated more respectfully or favorably.

There is plenty of research that backs up how people with certain qualities receive more benefits and advantages because of them. People who are considered conventionally attractive tend to get more job offers, make more money, receive more attention from potential romantic partners, more social acceptance, and even more leniency when in trouble.  People who have more financial resources tend to have more power, fewer social problems, and yes, more leniency when in trouble.  It stands to reason then, that people can look upon others who have these advantages and feel envious that they don’t have the same advantage.

It’s certainly not fair that subjective qualities such as beauty result in more advantages, just as it’s not always fair that objective resources such as money results in other advantages like power or authority or respect.  However, given that we are all going to experience jealousy sometimes and we all have to live in the world as it is, it is worthwhile to gain some control over any tendencies towards jealousy you may have and build more resilience towards negative emotional reactions.

What To Do About Jealousy

While jealousy is a natural emotion to experience, it’s distressful and can take up too much of your emotional energy.  Not only that, it’s also not very productive as an emotional state.  It doesn’t help you improve yourself, it doesn’t help you feel better about yourself, and it doesn’t usually motivate you to work harder on your goals.

It can, however, motivate you to act irrationally, damage your personal relationships, and make you look insecure and petty.

One of the mistakes that I see people make sometimes is that they want someone else to make them feel better when they are feeling jealous.  For example, they want their partner to provide more reassurance to them when they feel jealous of another person, or they might make baseless accusations about what other people are thinking or feeling when in reality their perceptions are rooted in jealousy rather than rational facts.  This can cause damage in relationships because friends or partners get annoyed and fatigued when they have to constantly provide reassurance for reasons that seem irrational or rooted in insecurity and jealousy.

Combatting jealousy involves turning your focus back onto yourself so that you can stop wasting emotional energy on irrational jealousy.  Here are 5 tips on what you can do to combat feelings of jealousy and keep your emotional state in balance:

  1. Practice Gratitude: First and foremost, practicing gratitude daily can help you feel less jealous and more secure.  Increasing the gratitude you have for your life and relationships can help you to feel less threatened by others who may have resources or advantages that you don’t have.  There are always going to be people who have more than you, or advantages that you don’t have.  Yet in reality there is probably a lot that you can feel grateful for and there are others that have less  than you.  There may even be people who are jealous of you, though you might not even know it.  Check out the link above for tips on how to cultivate a gratitude practice
  2. Acknowledge your strengths: While it can seem like other people have strengths, privileges, and advantages, you likely have all of those things too.  Everyone has strengths, and you likely have advantages too in other ways.  Take the time to recognize everything you have that enables you to be successful and helps you to move forward in your life.  Make an inventory of your strengths that includes things that you are good at, what you like about your personality, things that make you unique, ways in which you’ve helped other people in positive ways, challenges that you have overcome, and compliments that you have received.
  3. Check your values: Understanding your values is part of being emotionally intelligent, because your values help to guide your choices and priorities.  Vales can be things like love, family, security, fairness, responsibility, loyalty, and many other qualities that you want to embody in your life.  Values can be helpful when you’re feeling jealous because more than likely being a jealous person isn’t something that you value or want to prioritize in your life. Think about the values that you want to have and the qualities that you want others to recognize in you.  If how you’re feeling isn’t in line with those things, then it’s time to let go of jealousy thoughts and focus on living out your own values.
  4. Challenge your cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are like mind-tricks that we engage in that often involve irrational thoughts that can distort reality and lead to negative emotions.  Understanding these distortions can help you overcome jealousy by learning to approach issues from a more rational context. Challenging cognitive distortions involves recognizing irrational thought patterns and then practicing more rational and objective ways of thinking about situations and feelings.  For more information on cognitive distortions  check out the link above and the other posts in my series on the topic here, here, here, and here.
  5. Acknowledge feelings of jealousy:  When you acknowledge that you are feeling jealous, you can disempower that feeling.  People often deny being jealous, but that doesn’t usually help you feel any better.  This doesn’t mean you have to tell the person you are jealous of how you feel.  That may not be wise or productive, depending on the circumstances.  However, even if you just acknowledge it to yourself or another close friend, recognizing that you are having a natural emotion that needs to be dealt with can help you take control of the feeling and confront it.  Try to understand why you are feeling that way and what kinds of inadequacies you think you have that are triggering jealous feelings.  Then, practice the tips above to put the focus back on being your best self and dropping the comparisons.

 

Releasing the power that jealousy has on you can be an effective way to build your own confidence and let go of negative emotions.  Remember that the only person you need to be in competition with is yourself, and jealousy isn’t serving you in any positive way.  When we acknowledge our more unpleasant emotions and work to think about them in more logical and healthy ways, then we gain the benefits of having a higher emotional intelligence.  It’s not about denying that you ever feel jealous or pretending that you’re above it all.  It’s about acknowledging that you’re human with the same emotions as everybody else, but choosing to not be ruled by those emotions or let them drag you into a negative emotional state.

For more information on Emotional Intelligence, check out these posts:

How to Build Emotional Resilience

Are You Using Selective Self Control?

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

Setting Boundaries

4 Steps for Anger Management

How to Build Emotional Resilience

How to Build Emotional Resilience

When you have been through difficult emotional periods in your life, you know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of a depressive state or break habits that you know are bad for you.  Yet you may also know that those difficult experiences have shaped who you are and made you stronger and more capable as a person.  Emotional resilience comes from overcoming difficult times and continuing to move forward with your life, even when you may not feel like it.

What Is Emotional Resiliency?

Emotional resilience has to do with how well you cope with difficult emotions when they arise and how well you handle emotional challenges such as grief, anger, frustration, failure, or other problems.  When you are emotionally resilient, you still have emotional reactions to the situations you may find yourself in, but you don’t let the circumstances overwhelm you or pull you down into a dark place that leads to self- destructive patterns. Difficulties can be managed, and they do not change who you are as person or what your core values and beliefs are.

If you feel like your emotions are often in charge of how you react to situations instead of you controlling your emotional reactions, then you may need to practice building up your emotional resilience. Strong emotional resilience can help you cope with challenging situations without becoming overwhelmed or wanting to give up.

How To Build Emotional Resiliency

Building emotional resilience can take time, partially because you have to actually experience challenges and struggles in order for you to become resilient towards them. Everyone eventually experiences feelings like grief, anger, frustration, and failure, but the circumstances which trigger these emotions depends on what is happening in your life at any given time.

When you do experience these feelings or are going through a challenging situation, keep these tips in mind to help you cope with those challenges and build emotional resiliency.

  1. Acceptance:  This is a tough one for many people. Accepting circumstances as they are when you really want the situation to be different is always a challenge.  However, the sooner you accept that something bad has happened so now you have to figure out how to deal with it, the quicker you can get on with your life and figure out how to move past the problem and towards the solution.  Sometimes there might not be a solution, such as when you have lost a loved one to death or when a tragedy has occurred that cannot be changed. While you may experience other stages of grief such as denial, you ultimately must accept the circumstances, so practicing acceptance is a key component of emotional resiliency.
  2. Figure out what you can control:   Sometimes you will not feel like there is much you can control when something bad has happened, but if you think about it and try to look for your choices, you may find the things that are within your control.  When you figure out what you can control then you can empower yourself to make the best choices under the circumstances, and that will often lead to improvement in your emotional state.
  3. Let go of what you cannot control:   After you have figured out what you can control, then you can practice letting go of the things  you cannot control. That may be clear at times, such as knowing that something in the past has already happened and you can’t change it.  Other times it may be more confusing, such as when you are unsure whether your efforts are going to pay off if you take a risk.  Sometimes the only thing you may be able to control is your outlook and attitude towards the problem. Regardless of what’s happening, you will feel more resilient towards difficult circumstances when you learn to let go of any anger or resentment towards things you cannot control and try focusing only on what is within your own power to control.
  4. Acknowledge your emotions: Emotional resilience is not about not having emotions, but it is about understanding and accepting your emotions.  You cannot move past an emotion if you do not acknowledge and accept it.  For example, if you feel angry about something, but you don’t ever acknowledge or express that anger, then eventually it builds up inside you and turns into resentment and cynicism.  Once you acknowledge that you feel angry and work through accepting the circumstances and choices that caused that emotion, then you can let go of it and move on to a calmer emotional state.
  5. Take responsibility for your actions and reactions: You cannot control what other people do or how they react, but you can control your own behaviors and reactions. When you take responsibility for your own actions, you will feel more in control, which will lead to more emotional resilience. There may be times when you don’t feel proud of your own behavior or reactions.  You can still build emotional resilience when that happens though, by resolving to learn from your mistakes and make better choices in the future.
  6. Recognize when you are being self-destructive: Coping skills can be either healthy or unhealthy, and unhealthy coping skills tend to increase when you’re under stress or dealing with difficult emotions.  Part of taking responsibility for your actions and taking control when you can is recognizing when your own coping skills are becoming self-destructive.  This can happen when we start using food, or alcohol, or substances, or other unhealthy behaviors to cover up the difficult emotions we are experiencing.  When the coping skills you are using are doing more damage to you in long run, it’s time to recognize that your self-destructive behaviors are just prolonging the painful emotions you need to deal with. Emotional resiliency comes from dealing with your emotions, not from covering them up.
  7. Stop ruminating:  Rumination can become unhealthy when you are constantly dwelling on an issue or replaying scenes over and over in your head. You get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and feelings that don’t help you move forward at all.  Sometimes ruminating on a problem can be helpful when you are looking for a solution, but rumination becomes distressful when you become preoccupied with something and can’t move past it. When you are asking yourself questions with no real solution or answer, such as “What if…” or “Why did this happen..”, you can get caught up in cycles of rumination that leave you with no solutions.  Instead, try asking yourself questions like “How can I change things…” or “What are my choices..” to try and find solutions.  Focusing on those kinds of questions will help you build emotional resiliency as you work on becoming more solution focused rather than staying stuck in negative emotional cycles.
  8. Release feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame: This trifecta of emotions can send you on a downwards spiral of self-destructive behavior if you don’t learn to cope with these feelings and release them.  This is not about absolving yourself from any blame when something bad has happened, but it is about being realistic about what you are actually responsible for and letting go of these negative emotions when they are not serving you well.  If you examine these feelings, you may realize that you have been blaming yourself for things that were not your fault. You might need to recognize that you don’t have to accept responsibility for things you have been feeling guilty about.  There might be other times when you do feel sincerely regretful about something you did, and in those times it is appropriate to acknowledge the feelings of guilt and blame.  You may need to forgive yourself for things that you regret, or you may need to apologize when it’s appropriate.  However, you aren’t helping anyone by drowning in guilt and shame or ruminating about things that are in the past and can’t be changed.
  9. Understand your own cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are like little mind tricks that we all engage in sometimes, but that can distort reality when we don’t look at things in a rational way.  You can build up more emotional resiliency when you learn to recognize the mental patterns you use that distort reality and keep you stuck in negative thought patterns.  Learn more about cognitive distortions by reading the Cognitive Distortion Series I have on the blog.
  10. Practice gratitude: When you really feel overwhelmed and stuck in negativity, it’s always a good practice to come back to gratitude.  Cultivating a gratitude practice regularly will help you build emotional resiliency by helping you stay focused on the positive things you have in your life and give energy towards more of those things.  Even when times are really tough most of us have something that we can be grateful for. Many of us have more than enough to be grateful for, and while none of us is immune from suffering, we can all build emotional strength to help us cope with life and it’s struggles.

Emotional resiliency is a trait that you can develop, and like other areas of personal development, it is something that takes practice.  The more you practice dealing with circumstances by choosing acceptance, gratitude and responsibility versus choosing rumination, negativity, and shame, the greater control you will feel over your life and your choices.

You will not always be able to control the circumstances and situations that happen in life, and you will not always be able to control the actions and feelings of others.  However, you can choose to mentally shift your perspective in ways that will help you build up more emotional resiliency.  Practicing emotional intelligence will help you be better able to handle emotions when they arise and help you feel more confident about how you are choosing to handle problems and circumstances.

For more about Emotional Intelligence, check out these posts:

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

Setting Boundaries

Are You Using Selective Self Control?

4 Steps for Anger Management

Cognitive Distortions: Disqualifying the Positive

 

EI Series: Are You Using Selective Self Control?

EI Series: Are You Using Selective Self Control?

In this post for my emotional intelligence series I’m going to focus on selective self-control.  Selective self-control refers to our ability to control ourselves in some circumstances, but not in others.  In some ways it can be a cognitive distortion because we often have more control than we realize, but we may be subconsciously choosing not to use our control sometimes, and this can become a problem, especially in our relationships with other people.

Selective self-control is something that I have to challenge my clients on sometimes, because while I understand that it can be hard to practice self-control sometimes, it is my job as a therapist to help my clients find their power and learn to utilize it, and self-control is about power. Selective self-control tells you that you can’t control your reactions to certain circumstances, and then you feel helpless about your ability to exert power over your own behavior.

When you feel powerful, you feel in control. However, feeling powerless often results in people acting or thinking in ways that hurt them more.  One thing that I try to encourage my clients to do is to evaluate their choices based on how much power they have in a situation. By this I mean you have to constantly be assessing where you can use the power that you have and what you have to let go of when you don’t have power.

What Selective Self-Control Looks Like

A good example of our use of selective self-control can be found in the differences between how we act at work versus how we act in our personal life. Most of us know that we have to maintain our self-control in the workplace even when things get frustrating, or your supervisor has done or said something disrespectful, or you have to complete task that you find boring or pointless. It’s not fun, but it’s necessary.

You know that if you refuse to do your work, or you talk back aggressively to your disrespectful boss that you will end up suffering some consequences that you might not be prepared for. You don’t want to lose your job, so you practice self-control in this environment in order to prevent back-talking or going-off on your supervisor, and you suck it up and do what has to be done because you want to keep your job.  If you have ever had to do this at work then congratulations, you have self-control!

However, the same people who can control themselves at work and avoid negative consequences in that situation can find it difficult to maintain self-control in their personal lives. They may get frustrated with their partner or their children and start yelling or getting aggressive. They may slack off doing things that need to get done at home because there’s no one to dole out consequences if they don’t finish something.  Or they may tell themselves things that aren’t true, like “I can’t control myself when I feel angry”.

If that happens to you, then you might be using selective self-control.  It’s true that in a workplace environment you may not always have power, because you might have a supervisor or someone “above” you in the hierarchy that you have to defer to and listen to their direction. However, as adults we usually have no such person in control of us in our personal life. It’s our choices that control how we handle problems or resolve conflicts.

If the difference between when you can control yourself and when you can’t is based on whether there is someone there to dole out consequences, then you are selectively choosing to only respond to consequences, and then relinquishing your control at other times.  This is using selective self-control because your self-control is based on whether you will suffer consequences or not.

The strange thing is, you likely have MORE control in your personal life than you do at work, because if you are an adult, then you mostly answer to yourself. Yet people often claim that they can’t control themselves in their relationships, in their daily habits, or in setting and following through with their own goals.

To further this example, I will expand on something that I saw fairly frequently when I was working with military families as a contractor. I would see sailors that would be excelling at work: getting accolades from their Command and moving into leadership positions, or at a minimum, they would be staying out of trouble at work despite working in very intense, frustrating, and sometimes overwhelming conditions.  Yet when they would get home, they would have aggressive confrontations with their family, either losing their temper with their children or taking out their frustrations on their spouse.

When talking about the changes they wanted to make, they often stated that they felt out of control when they lost their temper and yelled at their spouse or their kids. They were able to maintain their self-control at work, pushing through very stressful conditions and duties, dealing with disrespect from their CoC, because they knew the consequences of losing control in that environment would be more than they were willing to pay.

Yet at home, there was no one there to deliver such consequences.  The consequences they suffered due to losing control at home were mostly in the form of a loss of emotional connection with their spouse, which wasn’t an immediate and tangible consequence. This wasn’t enough to motivate them to maintain their self-control in the home environment.

Diminishing Motivation

There is another part to this problem of selective self-control, and that is the issue of diminishing motivation.  We often lose motivation and lose self-control when we have been struggling to maintain control for too long. This happens frequently with dieters. You may start a diet, restrict your food choices, and try to control what you intake.  You maintain control for a while, yet eventually, you break down. Why?

It takes energy, concentration, and motivation to maintain self-control. You have to resist your impulses, change your habits and swallow your pride at times. This always is going to require some effort. The more temptations, triggers, or stressors you experience, the more your self-control is diminished.  This is why it can be hard when you have been maintaining control all day at work and then one more frustrating thing happens at home and you blow up at your spouse or raid the pantry. Researchers have suggested that self-control is a limited resource and that maintaining control at a high level depletes our self-control.

How to Master Self-Control

So what can we do? If we know that self-control is possible because we make choices to control our own behavior and resist our impulses all the time, but we also know that self-control gets depleted and staying too rigid for too long causes us to lose motivation for self-control, what is the solution?

Emotional intelligence is all about using our knowledge to help us make decisions about how to handle our emotions. So we have to confront the fact that our use of self-control may be selective at times. It’s not correct to say that you have no self-control when in reality you are using your self-control every day in different ways. Self-control keeps you from driving someone off the road when they cut you off, gets you out of bed when you want to sleep in, and stops you from burning the building down when someone steals your stapler. However, armed with the knowledge that we will eventually lose motivation to maintain that control we can take some preventative measures to help us build and practice real self-control.

Here are 10 tips to help you master self-control so you can practice and maintain your own power:

  1. Stress relief

When  you’re stressed, you have less strength to resist your impulsive behaviors, so make sure you’re engaging in stress-relieving practices such as exercise, fun activities you enjoy, and looking at unhealthy habits that might be contributing to stress (such as lack of sleep).

  1. Practice Assertive Communication

When you are too passive, your feelings and frustrations will build up inside you, causing more stress and reducing your overall sense of self-control. Work on building your assertiveness skills so you feel more powerful in all areas of your life.

  1. Avoid Avoidance

Avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away, so try to practice addressing issues when they come up instead of avoiding them because you don’t want to face the discomfort of confronting the problem.

  1. Make room for rewards

If you never feel like your efforts at self-control will pay off, you’ll lose motivation, so reward yourself in positive ways when you’ve accomplished something you’re proud of. If you’re working on a long-term goal, set small goals that bring you closer to your big goal and then reward yourself periodically as you accomplish those smaller goals.

  1. Remind yourself of your goals

Keep your eye on the prize when it comes to those long-term goals and remind yourself what all this self-control is for. You’re practicing self-discipline so that you can accomplish a goal, whether that’s pushing for a health outcome or improving your relationship with your partner. Keep that goal in mind when you feel frustrated and want to give in to your impulses.

  1. Remind yourself of intangible consequences

Even if your spouse or partner can’t fire you, you can still lose their respect and affection. They might not leave you today, but if you can’t control yourself and understand the consequences of your actions, then you might lose the people you care about eventually. Remind yourself that just as goals can take a long time to come to fruition, so can consequences.  People don’t usually leave their partner after one big argument, but they might leave after years of feeling intimidated or disrespected by the person who says they love them.

  1. Choose to be in control

Remember who has the power and who is on control. You won’t always be able to have control over everything that happens, particularly in the workplace or in other areas when you’re not the ruling authority. But you always have choices about how to conduct yourself and how to handle conflict that comes up. When  you are in control, you will know it because you’ll feel confident about your choices. Often, it’s when people give in to their lowest impulses that they feel “out of control” or ashamed of themselves. Recognize your power over your own choices and discover what real power feels like.

  1. Build frustration tolerance

Little things are always going to come along that frustrate you. We all have to build frustration tolerance skills, which will help you from succumbing to road rage when someone cuts you off in traffic. Read more about how to build frustration tolerance in this post.

  1. Don’t try to be perfect

Think progress, not perfection. No one can be perfect all the time. Whether it’s with your diet, your career goals, or your personal development, making mistakes is how we learn and get better. Trying to be perfect will just result in that diminishing motivation phenomenon, so give yourself credit for your accomplishments and practice gratitude for the progress you’ve already made.

  1. Find your joy

Everyone deserves to enjoy their own life, so think about what brings you joy and try to work that into your life in any way possible, big or small. When you get to experience what brings you joy you will be more motivated to do what it takes to get you there again. This is the part where all your hard work and self-control pays off, so when you find your joy, revel in it and soak it up.

 

Self-control doesn’t have to be selective.  When you give yourself credit for what you already know you can do you will feel more confident about your ability to maintain self-control. I’m willing to bet that you have practiced self-control in some areas of your life already, so you know what it feels like to suppress that urge to tell off your boss. You just have to apply the same skills you used then to other areas of your life.  Practice these tips and build that mental muscle so you feel capable of controlling your impulses and building your own sense of power.

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence has been a buzzword term for a while now, but many people still struggle to understand what it looks like in daily practice.  In general, emotional intelligence (EI) refers to your ability to understand and regulate your own emotions.  In practice, this means that you allow yourself to feel your emotions, but you don’t allow them to rule over all your decisions or behaviors.

Emotional intelligence also means that you have the ability to understand the emotions of others and respond to people in a way that reflects your understanding of and respect for how they feel. While some people do have a more innate ability to understand the emotions of themselves and others, people also can practice and strengthen these skills.

People who have emotionally intelligent traits tend to communicate better with other people, resolve conflict in a more healthy way, and have better emotional regulation overall. You can practice developing your emotional intelligence by working to understand and regulate your own emotional life in a way that allows you to have control over your emotions, instead of the other way around. This post will be the first in a new series about emotional intelligence where I will expand more on how to cultivate and practice this important skill in your own life.

How to Practice Emotional Intelligence

Here are 10 ways that you can practice strengthening your emotional intelligence so that you can feel confident in your ability to handle your emotions and the emotions of others.

  1. Understand your own feelings

Learn to identify how you feel by practicing distinguishing your thoughts from your feelings. For example, you may be thinking “he is such a jerk!”, but the feeling associated with this thought is “I feel hurt and disrespected when he speaks to me in that way”. When you focus on understanding how you feel in a given situation, you will be better equipped to approach the situation in a productive way.

  1. Take ownership of your own feelings

When you know how you feel, the next step is to own that feeling and recognize that you have control over that emotion.  Practice doing this by catching yourself the next time you say “You are making me feel…(angry, jealous, insecure)”, and replacing that with “I feel (angry, jealous, insecure) when you do that.”  This way of framing your emotions allows you to take control of that emotion instead of feeling powerless over it.

  1. Use your feelings to help you make decisions

Before you make decisions, ask yourself “how will I feel if I do this? How will I feel if I don’t do this? How are my emotions affecting this decision?” Work on using this insight to help you make decisions that you will be proud of and happy with later on.

  1. Respect other peoples’ feelings

You don’t have to agree with everyone on everything, but you can have better relationships with all people if you learn how to respect things from their perspective. If you want others to respect your feelings, then you can model how you want them to treat you. Even though other people will not always return the courtesy, you still want to represent yourself well by treating others as you would like to be treated.

  1. Avoid people who do not respect your feelings

Just because someone disagrees with you does not mean they are disrespecting you, but when someone truly doesn’t respect you or your feelings, you can respect yourself by avoiding them. You won’t always be able to avoid everyone who disrespects you, but you can minimize your contact with them and set boundaries when necessary. For example, if you have a supervisor at work that doesn’t respect you, you can try to make the best of things by minimizing your contact as much as possible and disconnecting emotionally from the situation. Ultimately, though, you are going to need to assess whether you should look for another job if the situation is not going to improve.  This includes setting boundaries with people when necessary.

  1. Manage your reactions to your emotions

You can have an emotion without acting on it in the same way that just because you think something doesn’t mean you have to say it out loud. You are going to feel angry, depressed, frustrated, and distressed at times in your life. These feelings are all okay to have and you don’t have to deny that you feel these things. Yet being angry doesn’t mean you have to be aggressive, being depressed doesn’t mean you have to hurt yourself, being frustrated doesn’t mean you have to lash out, and being distressed doesn’t mean you have to hurt others. Learning to build strong coping skills so that you can face these feelings without reacting in an unhealthy way to them is a key part of emotional intelligence.

  1. Label your feelings instead of labeling people or situations

This is also part of owning your emotions, because you can talk about your feelings instead of talking about other people.  For example, try saying “I feel frustrated and impatient because of how slow things are happening” instead of “This is taking too long! These people are so incompetent!” Even when you are just saying these things in your head and not out loud, it makes a difference.  You can be sitting there stewing with frustration thinking nasty things even if you never open your mouth. Recognizing that this helps nothing and you feel terrible in the meantime will help you change your thoughts, which will change your emotions.

  1. Use your emotions to energize your actions

People who use their emotions to motivate them towards positive action can do amazing things. If you get angry about an issue you care about, it can motivate you to go take action to address that issue. Use the energy you feel from strong emotions to propel you to take action in a positive way. If you think a situation is unfair, speak out about it and let your voice be heard. If you have something bad happen to you, use the power behind your emotions to help prevent the same thing from happening to others if you can.

  1. Practice taking positivity from negative situations

Negative situations are inevitably going to come up. It’s important to allow yourself the time and space to process how you feel when bad things happen and allow yourself to heal when needed. Negative situations can also be a trigger for growth as well, though. This is a practice that you can start small with. For example, if you have been practicing building patience but you end up next to a road raging driver, use the situation as an opportunity to practice your frustration tolerance skills.

  1. Learn how to effectively deal with difficult people

Not everyone is going to be in the same place as you are right now in your life. Some people may have their own issues to sort out and you will end up crossing paths with them, resulting in difficult interactions. Part of being an emotionally intelligent person is deciding that you are going to be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of the kind of person someone else is. If you intend to be a kind, considerate, emotionally mature and secure person, then don’t let what other people do have an effect on your own choices and behaviors. It’s hard not to snap back at someone who has been rude to you, or disrespected you in some way. You never have to be a doormat for others or allow others to abuse you. However, when you have the confidence to address situations gracefully you will feel better able to stand up for yourself when needed and let petty things go when it’s not worth your time and energy.

Why Is Emotional Intelligence Important?

Practicing emotional intelligence can help you feel more confident and in control of your life. We all have emotions, and emotional intelligence is not about suppressing those emotions. It is actually about understanding and using your emotions to help you handle situations and people in a way that produces positive results in all your relationships and interactions instead of escalating situations until they feel out of control.

All of these practices will help you understand yourself and feelings more, and help you to focus on what is important instead of getting caught up in a habit of just reacting to your emotions. While some people may find that these practices come more naturally to the, other people may really struggle, and that is okay too.  Struggling with these things doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it just means that you might need to practice more before these habits become comfortable. Even people with strong emotional intelligence traits can struggle with this kind of practice. No one is perfect, and emotionally intelligent people understand and respect that!

Cognitive Distortions 5.0: Control Fallacies

Cognitive Distortions 5.0: Control Fallacies

This will be the 5th post in my series on Cognitive Distortions. To read more about cognitive distortions and what they are, check out my first post in the series: Coping with Cognitive Distortions.

This post is about Control Fallacies, which are basically a distorted way of looking at how much control you have in a particular situation.  The reason that this cognitive distortion is unhealthy is because when we misjudge how much control we have in a situation, we can either blame ourselves excessively for something that has happened, or we can misplace our power by thinking that we have no control over a situation, when you might actually have more power than you think.

Control Fallacies work in two ways: you either think that events in your life are totally beyond your control, or you feel that you are responsible for everything, even things you could not control. Both aspects of this distortion can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and distress. These feelings can cause you to think negative thoughts about yourself, leading to more distress and negative thought patterns.

“I can’t control ANY of this! I feel so stuck!”

 The trouble with the first kind, thinking that things are totally beyond your control, can start to happen when you feel helpless and stuck.  Perhaps you feel that you are stuck in a job that you hate, but you feel that you have no choice but to remain there. Or maybe you feel repeatedly taken advantage of by others who have used you, and you feel that this is just something that will continue to happen because you are a nice person.

The fallacy in this kind of thinking is that you are actually able of making changes in these kinds of situations, but you have convinced yourself that everything is out of your control, so why bother changing?  This is problematic because by not changing and taking control of the areas of your life where you can, you may just be extending your own misery and missing out on the confidence you will gain from taking power back when you can.

Sure, there are going to be times that you really need to stick with your current job, because you haven’t been able to find a better option and you need the money or the benefits.  That’s understandable.  Sometimes, though, a person may just not have really put in the work to make a change, and then they tell themselves that they have no options.  This is a way of avoiding doing the work by claiming that you cannot change anything. I’m not saying this is always the case, because there will be times when you truly don’t have any control. This may be the case if you have a contract for a certain amount of time, such as for those in military service, or those who do not have many job opportunities in the area they live in. For others, though, they may be avoiding making the changes they need to make because it feels too overwhelming, or they are not sure where to start.

Similarly, if you have noticed that certain things continue to happen to you, such as feeling like people are using you or taking advantage of your kindness, you may also have some control in the situation that you can exercise. This might be a matter of learning to set better boundaries with others, which can be difficult but necessary. Setting boundaries can be hard to do if you are not used to being assertive or telling people NO when necessary. However, when you trick yourself into thinking that you can’t change things because you have no control over other people’s behavior, you may be engaging in a control fallacy.

“This is all my fault! I should have done something more!”

The flip side of this problem is when you feel that you are responsible for things that are actually outside of your control, and thus you feel that you have constantly made mistakes or are always letting other people down. For example, you may feel guilty for not noticing a mistake that a colleague made, and then feel accountable when that mistake turns into a bigger problem. Or, you may feel responsible for your partner’s behavior, because you tell yourself that you weren’t supportive enough or didn’t make sure they took their medicine.

When you notice that you are taking responsibility for things that you actually had no control over, this is a sign that you are not assigning blame in the appropriate ways, or you are not giving others the responsibility that they should have. This can lead you to feel guilty about things you didn’t control, or that you couldn’t have avoided. These feelings of guilt can lead to inappropriate feelings or shame or a sense of overcompensation you try to apologize for things that were not your fault.  For more on that, see this post on over-apologizing.

In this case, you need to learn to stop taking responsibility for problems that you didn’t create, and recognize that you are not responsible for everyone else’s behavior.  It doesn’t mean that you relinquish all sense of responsibility for things in your life, just that you try to look at a situation and figure out if there was something you could’ve done, whereby you learn something that you can use to make better decisions in the future, or you let go of any sense of shame or guilt involved in situations that you couldn’t control. This might mean that you have to practice not apologizing for things that were not your fault, or it may mean that you have to give yourself permission to let go of the guilt and shame about events that you have associated as being your fault when they really were not.

How can I change these patterns?

When you start to recognize these control fallacy patterns in your thought process, you can work to change them so that you feel more in control of your mentality and more confident about your decisions. If you notice that your thoughts feel self-defeating, if you notice that you constantly think about all the barriers you have instead of all the opportunities you can look for, remind yourself that you have to make small changes before you make big changes.  Look for the opportunities to make small changes first, such as setting better boundaries with the people in your life, or making a plan to change your career path.  Recognize that while you may not be able to control all of your circumstances, you can still control your personal decisions and where you direct your mental energy.

If you have the opposite problem with this control fallacy and you find yourself blaming yourself for things inappropriately, practice asking yourself some questions to get a better understanding of if there was really anything you could have done differently. Ask yourself: “How could I have known what the outcome would be? Is there really anything I could have done differently? Is this a problem that is out of my personal control? Is there someone else in this situation that needs to take responsibility for their own behavior or choices?” Recognizing your own power in these situations and figuring out what you can do differently in the future will benefit you if you learn to stop this pattern of cognitive distortion and look at the situation more objectively.

For more on cognitive distortions, check out these other posts:

Cognitive Distortions 2.0: Disqualifying the Positive

Cognitive Distortions 3.0: Personalization

Cognitive Distortions 4.0: Emotional Reasoning

Cognitive Distortions 4.0:  Emotional Reasoning

Cognitive Distortions 4.0: Emotional Reasoning

As part of my ongoing series about cognitive distortions, I’m going address Emotional Reasoning in this post.  Emotional reasoning refers to the mistaken belief that everything you feel must be true.  In this way, we can sometimes trick ourselves into believing that our feelings are facts.  To the contrary, sometimes our emotions cloud our judgement, and we don’t always read the situation correctly when we allow our emotions to affect our interpretation of the situation we are in.  Sometimes we need to step back from our emotional response to a situation and try to see if our emotions are taking us to a conclusion that may not be really true.

Here are some examples of emotional reasoning and thoughts that may occur when you might need to think twice about whether or not what you feel is really true:

 

  1. “ I feel rejected and hurt, and therefore you have rejected me”
  • In this case, someone may or may not have rejected you. A person may have been trying to set boundaries with you by telling you not to call repeatedly when they are unavailable.  Your feelings of rejection may be due to insecurities you have, but you also need to respect the boundaries other people set in their own lives and relationships.  Or perhaps you were passed over for a job offer, and you were one qualified candidate in a competitive position, but fell short of the final cut.  This doesn’t mean the company didn’t think you would have done a good job or that your skill set wasn’t valuable.
  1. “I feel like a bad friend, therefore I must be a bad friend.”
  • Sometimes you may judge yourself too harshly for making a mistake. Being human, you’re bound to do things you regret from time to time, but this doesn’t make you a terrible person.  When you do make mistakes, try to own up to them and repair the damage when you can, but don’t believe that you are defined by every mistake you’ve ever made.
  1. “I feel lonely, therefore no one cares about me”
  • It’s hard to face problems on your own when you don’t have much support from others. However, sometimes we can get to feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of reaching out to others when we feel vulnerable and need support.  Oftentimes, it’s easier to sit with our feelings by ourselves than acknowledge that we need help.  However it’s important to reach out to your support system when you can.  Sometimes, your friends and family may not know that you are struggling, but would want to be there for you if they could.  It’s important when you feel this way to step back from your emotions and try to account for the support that you DO have, even if it’s not in the most likely places.
  1. “I’m angry with you, therefore you must have done something wrong.”
  • Anger is difficult to step back from, but it’s very important that you understand where your anger is coming from and how much control you have over it. Sometimes we get angry with others for things that cause us distress, but often times anger is really a reflection of how we’re feelings about ourselves. For example, you may feel angry at your partner for not doing something you expected from them, but you never actually verbalized what you needed.  You feel angry that your partner didn’t anticipate your needs, but you may not recognize that it was your responsibility to communicate your needs to your partner.
  1. “I feel worthless, therefore I am worthless.”
  • Self-esteem can be a struggle if you have been suffering from a mental illness or have experienced trauma in your life. It can be hard to separate your feelings of low self-worth from your outlook on life, but this is where it’s important to take stock in what your values are.  Sometimes we give other people more courtesy than we give ourselves.  Whenever you find yourself struggling with negative thoughts about yourself, ask yourself who gave you those messages about yourself and if you would say those things to someone that you cared about.  If you wouldn’t tell someone you care about that they are worthless, than you shouldn’t say those things to yourself.  Feeling down or struggling with the situation you are in at this moment doesn’t mean that you have to listen to thoughts that make you feel worse about yourself.

 

Sometimes we get so caught up in our emotions that we choose to ignore evidence that goes against how we feel. So maybe your friend sent you an invitation to an event on Facebook, but because she didn’t reach out personally to make sure you were coming you still choose to believe she doesn’t really care if you come hang out or not.  Or perhaps  you become overwhelmed with a presentation you have to give at work, and take this to mean that you must be in over your head and you’re not cut out for the job, despite the fact that your supervisor picked you for the project.

If you think you might be engaging in emotional reasoning and you want to make sure you are not letting your emotions cloud your judgment of the situation, ask yourself a few questions:

  1. Am I overlooking my strengths?
  2. Am I discounting evidence that would lead me to reach a different conclusion?
  3. Am I basing my conclusions on my emotions or facts?
  4. What would you say to a friend that was in your situation?
  5. Am I struggling to give myself the same advice that I would give to my friend?

These questions will help you evaluate your situation with more clarity and determine if emotional reasoning is getting in the way of your progress.  Emotions are important, and we shouldn’t just ignore them.  But keep in mind that relying on our emotions to guide us doesn’t always give us the full picture of what’s happening and what all of our options are.  Don’t forget that you are in charge of your mentality, even when it gets overwhelming.

For more on Cognitive Distortions, check out the other posts in this series:

Cognitive Distortions 3.0: Personalization

Cognitive Distortions 2.0: Disqualifying the Positive

Coping with Cognitive Distortions: Catastrophizing