Do you Apologize Too Much?

Do you Apologize Too Much?

There is a tendency that some people have sometimes to apologize for things that do not require an apology, or to apologize for things that were not their fault.  This is a habit that comes from a place of wanting to be considerate of other people, which is a good trait and a good quality to have.  However, when we over-apologize, it can have the effect making you feel responsible for things that you shouldn’t be responsible for, and this pattern can contribute to a lack of confidence in how you feel and how you come across to other people.

Some people are so accustomed to apologizing for everything that happens, that they feel awkward when they make the effort to NOT apologize when it’s not needed. This can be a people-pleasing tendency that has become an ingrained habit. Other times it may be a response to anxiety or fear of judgement, but it can manifest itself in ways that merely serve to contribute to overall anxiety. The tendency to apologize for things when you have done nothing wrong may make you feel like you are in a constant state of needing to attend to other people’s feelings and comfort, leaving you feeling as though your own feelings and comfort do not matter.

What’s the Problem with Apologizing Too Much?

There is research that suggests that women tend to apologize more not because they are too sensitive or because men have more ego strength, but because women tend to perceive more wrongdoing in their own actions, whereas men tend to perceive smaller offenses as not worthy of requiring an apology.  In other words, women tend to judge their own behaviors more harshly, leading them to find more scenarios in which they feel an apology is merited. Over-apologizing is not a trait only women experience, but it may be more likely to be true if you are a woman, particularly one who has been taught to attend to other people’s feelings more than your own.

Here are some scenarios in which you may have become accustomed to apologizing, but that do not actually require an apology:

  • Expressing remorse for something that was out of your control
  • Apologizing for being in the way when someone else bumps into you
  • Apologizing for being offended at something someone else has done to you
  • Apologizing for having feelings or for crying when you are upset
  • Apologizing when someone else interrupts you
  • Apologizing for making a simple request such as asking the time or a small favor
  • Apologizing for apologizing

All of these situations are scenarios in which either someone else should actually give an apology, or in which there is no need for an apology at all because there has been no offense committed.

For example, have you ever been confiding in a friend about a painful experience, and then when you started to cry, you apologized to your friend for crying? This is an unfortunately common reaction that many people have when they start to cry, and the implication is that you have done something wrong by becoming emotional when talking about a painful experience. However, in this situation your friend is probably not offended at all that you started to cry, and in fact you have done nothing wrong; you are  reacting in a perfectly appropriate way to an expression of your emotions.  Why is an apology required? For disturbing the peace? No, you do not need to apologize in this situation.

When you begin to realize that you do not have to apologize for reacting to situations in perfectly normal ways, you will start to feel more confident in yourself. However, if you start to practice asking yourself whether an apology is needed before you issue one, you might find that you feel strange or uncomfortable when you stop yourself from apologizing.

Isn’t This Just Being Polite?

No, apologizing when it is not needed is not a form of being polite. Some people have this tendency because they have been taught or socialized to believe that they should always make sure other people are comfortable, even when they are personally uncomfortable.  This is true in those cases when someone bumps into you awkwardly, but then you apologize for being in the way.  Sure, you’re trying to just be polite and diffuse the awkwardness of the situation.

However, this is almost an invitation for people to walk all over you. Maybe this will not manifest immediately in the present moment, but over time, this tendency to always present yourself as the one who’s in the way can begin to undermine your own confidence in yourself and shows others that you are not going to stand up for yourself when someone has wronged you. This is most problematic in the way that this habit contributes to your overall demeanor around others. It doesn’t mean someone is going to start bullying you immediately, but over time it contributes to the perception that you will not fault others when they take advantage of or otherwise harm you. You can be polite and kind to others without apologizing for other people’s offenses.

The more assertive way to handle it when someone else bumps into you is to wait for them to apologize to you, which is what would be truly polite, and then accepting the apology with grace by saying simply “Thanks, but I’m okay”, or “You’re excused”. The thanks is for the apology, the reference to being okay or excusing the other person is a verbal forgiveness for the offense of bumping into you. If someone does not apologize for bumping into you, you can either choose to ignore it, or say “You’re excused”.  This way the implication is clear that you are not the one who has done something wrong, but you are gracefully excusing the error regardless of the offender’s reaction.

Practicing this new habit in more inconsequential situations such as an accidental bump in a social setting will help you gain confidence for when you need to stand up for yourself in more consequential situations.  When you really need to speak up for yourself because of unfair treatment in the workplace, or when a friend has said something hurtful to you, you will be better equipped to handle the scenario confidently because you have been practicing accepting responsibility only for the things you are actually responsible for, and not letting others off the hook for their own offenses by taking unnecessary responsibility.

When Is an Apology Really Required?

Genuine remorse is a different experience altogether.  When you have done something for which you are truly remorseful, you should apologize. A genuine apology is an art in itself, and giving a sincere apology is an important part of mending relationships and living up to your own values. A genuine apology should first be sincere, it should explain why what you did was wrong, it should include acceptance of responsibility, and it should include an offer to make amends if possible.

You might need to apologize for snapping at your friend when you were actually upset about something happening at work, or for being late to an appointment where someone was waiting on you, or for not following through with a commitment you made to help with a project. Being able to verbalize a sincere apology is an important skill to have, and can go a long way towards reducing hostility in a relationship or for preserving your reputation.

However, when you apologize for things that do not require an apology, it can undermine your confidence and leave you feeling powerless when others take advantage of you. If this feels like a familiar situation to you, start by beginning to notice all the times you apologize, and begin asking yourself whether that was necessary.  Then start by trying to reverse this habit in those smaller, inconsequential scenarios, so that you can begin to build confidence in your ability to assess when an apology is really needed.  Just taking these small steps can go a long way in boosting your overall confidence and helping you to become a more assertive person.

9 Tips To Deal With Difficult People

9 Tips To Deal With Difficult People

Everyone is going to come across people in their life that are just difficult to deal with.  There are many different kinds of difficult people, and in order to have a healthy mindset and not let these kinds of people bring you down or derail you from your goals, it is helpful to be able to identify these kinds of people and learn how to manage their personalities.

Difficult people can make it harder to stay positive and get things accomplished, and they can occupy more of your mental energy than they deserve.  In order to combat these kinds of people, you need to first identify what kind of personality you are dealing with, and then have a strategy to cope with them when they come your way.

First, understand that difficult people are the way that they are because they have learned that behaving in a certain way works in their favor in one way or another.  Being difficult may mean that others do not criticize them, or that they get their way more often. They may have found that attacking others helps them avoid being attacked themselves, or they may feel more powerful when others acquiesce to their demands. Whatever their reason, they are usually immune to the normal ways of communicating with others because they have found a method that helps them feel better about themselves or get more of what they want.

Next, make sure you know what NOT to do when dealing with difficult people:

  1. DON’T take their behavior personally. Other people’s behavior is always about them, it’s not about you. Chances are they treat everyone this way, so don’t make the mistake of thinking that you are being personally attacked, even if it seems that way.
  2. DON’T try to mimic their behavior or beat them at their own games. This will usually add fuel to the fire and just stimulate more conflict.  Moreover, difficult people can be very manipulative and could use your actions against you.  This tactic rarely turns out well.
  3. DON’T try to appease them by trying to make them happy all the time to avoid conflict. Difficult people will tire of you when they figure out you won’t fall for their games, but if you feed them what they want, they will always come up with more demands to make.
  4. DON’T try to change them by rationalizing or appealing to their empathy. You cannot change others, you can only change yourself and how you respond to people and situations.
  5. DON’T give up. You will get better in time with dealing with difficult people when you become more confident in yourself and your abilities. This is about not giving up on yourself. You are free to give up on trying to change difficult people, though.

Finally, here are some tips to deal with a few different kinds of difficult people:

  1. Negative Complainers: Complainers are people who have a hard time trying to find the positive in anything. When they get something good, they find a way to find fault with it. When they receive a compliment, they shoot it down.  These kinds of people can be exhausting to deal with because they constantly need other people to prop them up and boost their ego.  They typically do not have much confidence in themselves, and they use other people to make up for this by constantly requiring the people around them to make up for their negativity. To deal with this kind of person, avoid arguing with them about their own terrible outlook.  Instead, respond with something like “It’s too bad you feel that way. When I feel like that I usually try to look for the positive”.  Don’t give them the solutions.  This reinforces their behavior.  Instead, turn their negativity around by encouraging them to come up with their own solutions.  If they can’t, just repeat that it is unfortunate that they feel so stuck.
  2. Aggressive People: Aggressive people try to intimidate others into doing what they want. This usually serves to keep attention off of them so that they don’t have to change. They expect that others will be intimidated into silence or will respond back with aggression, which helps them avoid responsibility.  The approach to take with these people is to stay calm, refuse to be intimidated, and remain assertive with your viewpoint. When you remain calm while they are losing their cool, they end up looking like the crazy person, and you look rational and level. They will eventually run out of steam, or get frustrated with their inability to make you break your calm, and they will have to calm down.  The key here is not to let their behavior influence yours.  I know it will feel difficult, but this is why you will gain the upper hand eventually. When others learn that they can’t bully you, they will eventually stop trying.  However, there may be times when you need to set boundaries by saying something like “I’m not going to engage further in this conversation until you are able to remain calm.  I’ll talk to you later.” Then, end it. Refuse to engage further until they stop the aggressive behavior.
  3. Snipers: Snipers are similar to aggressive people, but they use more subtle messaging and methods to attack you. They tend to be hostile and they make people uncomfortable by making snarky remarks, sarcasm, disapproving facial expressions, and other innuendoes to try and intimidate people.  This makes them feel more powerful and boosts their ego because inside they are actually insecure and need to make others feel small in order to feel good about themselves. The way to combat this kind of person is two-fold.  One way is direct confrontation. This requires that you are confident in yourself and your assertive skills.  You might say something like “That comment sounds like you’re making fun of me, and I don’t appreciate it”.  Some people will be so shocked by your ability to pull this off that it will stop their behavior. Another approach with this kind of person is the “kill ‘em with kindness” approach. No matter how rude and nasty they are, just respond with kindness and sincerity. Sometimes this approach works because kindness is disarming. It is hard for most people to be unkind to someone who is always kind to them.  This won’t work with everyone, so choose your approach wisely.  This is not about being fake, it’s actually about being sincere.  If you approach all people with love no matter who they are or how they treat you, you are being true to your own values, if those are your values. The kindness approach works for me personally, because it is literally just easier for me to be kind to others than to be snarky, but that’s just my personality.  I’m good at being assertive too when I need to be, but kindness is my default, so that’s where I often try to start.
  4. Avoiders/Silent People: Some people do not have the assertive skills to deal with confrontation in a healthy way, so they will avoid you when they are upset, or they will use passive tactics such as giving you sullen looks, or respond to your questions with “I don’t know” or “Nothing’s wrong”. These people can be hard to deal with because they require a lot of your emotional labor to figure out what is wrong, or they require you to be the one to fix things all the time when there is a conflict.  These people get away with not doing the work to fix problems by not talking or refusing to act.  It works because other people who are uncomfortable with silence or tension will do the work to fix things. The approach to take with these people is not to play into their avoidance. The sooner you confront the issue, the better. If you know what the issue is, ask questions that can’t be avoided, such as “I can see that you’re upset, so let’s talk about what just happened”. Calling them out on their behavior right away in an assertive but friendly tone can help resolve problems so they do not fester.  If, however, they refuse to engage or talk, then let it go and ignore all further behaviors.  If you try to talk to someone and they will not engage, then they just have to sit with their frustration and silence because they made that choice.  You do not have to continue to try and coax them into talking or go through enormous effort to cheer them up or get them to talk to you. Choose to go on with your life or your day and do not take responsibility for the inaction or avoidance that others choose.  When they see that their mood is not going to ruin yours, it becomes less effective to avoid talking.

 

You will not always get the outcomes you want when dealing with difficult people.  As stated before, you cannot change other people, you can only change how you react to them.  But difficult people do not have to ruin your mood, your day, or your life if you choose not to let them.  There may be some situations you cannot avoid, such as when you have a toxic boss or a family member that likes to ruin Thanksgiving.  But remember that your power lies in you being in control of your own behavior and your own reactions, and living true to your own values.

 

Are you an Empath?

Are you an Empath?

Human beings vary in their degree of sensitivity, by which I mean that there are some people who are highly sensitive and who feel emotions very intensely, whereas there are others who display little sensitivity towards others and who also do not seem to be as affected by their environment or the people around them.  Empaths are people who are empathetic and sympathetic towards others, and also experience the world as a highly sensitive person.

From Sociopaths to Empaths

There appears to be about 3-5 percent of the human population that fall under the category of sociopathic, which does not mean that they are all murderers, but does mean that they operate their lives in a way by which their primary concern is always about themselves, and they do not have the ability to see things from the perspective of others. They may feel very little true guilt or shame about doing harmful things to others. Another 1 percent is considered psychopathic, with higher percentages of both sociopaths and psychopaths found among criminal populations.

There is another end of the spectrum though, who are rather the opposite of the sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists, which is those who are highly sensitive individuals, sometimes referred to as Empaths.  Interestingly, highly sensitive people comprise about 20% of the population.  Empaths are a kind of highly sensitive person that extends their ability to experience the feelings deeply of others as well as themselves. Empaths are people who identify with and feel intense empathy towards others. This does not mean that they are inherently fragile or overly-emotional.  It means that they feel things deeply, think about things deeply, and take on the emotions and experiences of others as their own.

Who Are the Empaths?

Being highly sensitive is a temperament trait, not a disorder or a problem that needs to be solved. In fact, it is a trait that likely has some benefit as a survival trait, because high sensitivity exists in over 100 different species of animals as well.  For example, certain dogs may be more sensitive and empathetic, which makes them amazing companion animals and also great therapy dogs.  These animals, as well as highly sensitive people, are very responsive to small changes in their environment.

Empaths often find themselves worrying not only about their own problems and experiences, but the problems and experiences of their friends and families, people they may not even know, and the problems of the world at large.  While many people do think and care about these things, empaths tend to have a more intense personal emotional response to these things, and may find themselves exhausted at caring so much about everything.  Both men and women can be empaths, and highly sensitive individuals exist in similar rates in both men and women.

Empaths typically have the following characteristics as part of their general personality and constitution:

  • Highly emotionally responsive, ability to understand and respond to the emotions of others
  • Easily empathize with animals
  • May cry easily, even at seemingly innocuous moments, commercials or movies
  • Tend to be creative and curious, with a desire to learn about and understand the world
  • Susceptible to over-stimulation, such as crowds, loud noises, or over-work
  • May be inclined towards caring professions, such as nursing, mental health, or teaching
  • May burn-out easily and need reclusive time to recover
  • Tend to observe quietly and take things in
  • Mentally process information deeply and thoroughly

Empaths may often feel different than others, feel misunderstood, or have a hard time understanding why others in the world care so little compared to them. This can lead to a tendency towards introversion, although not all empaths or highly sensitive people are introverted. Many empaths have been told throughout their lives that their way of perceiving the world is wrong, or that they need to “get over” their feelings.  However, recognizing that you are a highly sensitive person or an Empath may help you to understand more about what your unique needs are by learning to value the traits that you have and use them as a strength.

What do Empaths Need?

Empaths tend to work well independently, and also work well in settings that are one-on-one with another person.  Workplace environments with a lot of people, or that are very noisy and simulating may leave empaths feeling drained rather than energized. Socializing may lead to similar experiences.  Knowing that certain environments will feel over-whelming and lead to feeling unwell may help empaths make decisions about career paths and socialization choices that will lead to more fulfilling experiences.

Empaths also may need to have down-time in between experiences that are overwhelming.  For example, after going to a party one evening, an empath may need to make sure they schedule time for solitude in order to recover and regain energy.  They may similarly need to schedule down-time after situations that require a lot of emotional energy, such as caregiving for others, volunteering for charity work, or even engaging with friends to support them.

Knowing if you are an empath may help you understand how to express your needs more assertively.  Empaths may often have difficulty asking for help or even saying “No” when others request help from them.  Their tendency is to try to solve problems for others, but this may sometimes result in the empathic person neglecting their own needs.  Learning to say no to some obligations or requests for help, and learning to schedule time for yourself in order to recover your sense of energy can have a positive effect on your overall mood and improve your ability to interact with the world.

As an Empath, recognize that your highly sensitive qualities are a strength, both to yourself and your community.  Sometimes, you may wish that you could not care as much because of how deeply everything affects you.  However, the world needs highly sensitive people who are attuned to others and who care about how others think and feel.  Empaths have likely long been the healers and the nurturers in human communities, and have been valuable to the societies they live in.  However, empaths can also learn to care as much about themselves as they do others, which they certainly deserve due to the value they bring to other’s lives.

10 Non-Medical Ways to Cope with Anxiety and Panic

10 Non-Medical Ways to Cope with Anxiety and Panic

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links, which help support this blog.  For a full affiliate disclosure, click here

Anxiety is common mental health condition that affects millions of people every day.  While many people use anti-anxiety medications to help manage their symptoms, I often hear from people who want to learn more about strategies to cope with anxiety and panic attacks without using medication.

My general recommendation for coping with anxiety is to think of yourself as having a toolbox.  You can use many different tools to cope with your symptoms, and medication may be one of those tools.  Depending on the severity of your symptoms, medication may have place in your life as you learn how to manage your symptoms in the best way for you as an individual.

However, even if you take a medication for anxiety or panic attacks, you probably still want some other strategies to help you manage your symptoms so that you feel more confident that you can effectively cope when you begin to feel overwhelmed.

Here are 10 non-medical tools and strategies that you can utilize to help build your coping skills around managing your anxiety and panic attacks:

  1. Deep-breathing Practices
  • Deep-breathing is a necessary strategy if you struggle with panic and anxiety. Deep-breathing techniques increase the oxygen flow to your brain and body, and it is the Number 1 way to combat acute panic and anxiety. Practice inhaling deeply through your nose, holding your breath for 5 seconds, and then exhaling through your mouth. Do this at least 10 times to produce a calming effect in your body and mind. Try closing your eyes while you are doing it as well, to increase the focus of your senses on your breathing.
  • Another deep-breathing method to try involves closing your right nostril with your thumb while you breathe deeply in through the left nostril. Hold your breath for 5 seconds, then close the left nostril with your forefinger while you release your thumb on the right nostril, and then exhale through the right nostril. You are directing the flow of air throughout your nasal passage in a conscious way. Repeat this 10 times, alternating the open and closed nostril.
  1. Guided Meditation
  • I love using guided meditation apps for sleep, but they are great for panic and anxiety as well. Using an app with your headphones can help you focus on your breath, and listening to a calming voice talk to you in a soothing way will bring your attention back to the present moment. Just go to wherever you usually get your apps from (I just use the app store on my phone) and search for “guided meditation” and look through the options.  Many apps have free versions that give you a few tracks, while others cost a few dollars and come with expanded options.
  1. Yoga
  • Yoga is an excellent technique to incorporate into your lifestyle to reduce stress and anxiety. The practice focuses on attention to your breathing as you move through poses that will stretch your muscles, increase your flexibility, and enhance your mind-body connection.  Research has shown yoga to be an effective strategy for reducing anxiety and depression.
  • Incorporate a hatha-style (gentle) yoga practice into your routine twice a week for 90 minutes for the best results. If that kind of schedule doesn’t work for you, try shorter practices more frequently, such as 15 minutes twice a day.  For more tips on building a yoga practice for mental health, check out my post on How to use Yoga for Depression.
  1. Aromatherapy
  • Aromatherapy works by using essential oils to stimulate your olfactory system, which connects scents to your nose and your brain. I have recommended them to my clients frequently as an extra resource to cope with panic and anxiety. You can use essential oils by applying them topically to the skin, in conjunction with a massage, in a diffuser for your entire room, or you can just inhale directly from the bottle.
  • The best oils in my experience to use for panic and anxiety are Lavender Oil Frankincense , and Black Spruce. If you’ve never tried using oils before, you can start by rubbing a drop or two of oil on your wrists, and then bringing your wrists to your nose and inhaling deeply. Just be careful, as some oils that are very strong need to be blended with a carrier oil. The 3 oils mentioned here are fine to use topically on your skin, but if you have very sensitive skin, just mix a drop of oil with a teaspoon of carrier oil like coconut oil or grapeseed oil before applying to your skin.
  • Make sure that you use essential oils, and not fragrance oils. Essential oils are derived from plants, whereas fragrance oils are synthetic and laboratory made. Fragrance oils will not have the same effects as essential oils and are not a replacement.
  • I have tried different brands of essential oils, but I do prefer to use doTERRA when possible for 3 reasons: product quality, corporate social responsibility, and environmental responsibility. I’ve researched the company and find them to be reputable in those areas, which is important to me.
  • Another method of aromatherapy is to diffuse the oil into the air around you. You can use a combination of lavender and frankincense by just adding a few drops of each to a diffuser with water, and then allow the scent to fill the room. I have diffusers in multiple rooms in my house, and this diffuser is one that I personally own, and have found that it doesn’t leak and crack the way some other diffusers that I’ve owned have. Diffusing is probably best as a more preventative method. If you find yourself having acute anxiety, you most likely will find it more effective to apply the oils topically and inhale. Diffusing is great though, for creating on overall calming and relaxing atmosphere in your personal space.
  • You can also use oils in your bathtub by just dropping 5 drops in the water. Using oils along with Epson salts will provide a relaxing bath experience. Again, lavender and frankincense are great options here. If you don’t use a bathtub, try dropping a few drops of oil in the bottom of your shower towards the opposite end of where the drain is where not as much water will wash it away so quickly. It will still diffuse a little into the steam of your shower.
  1. Journaling
  • Journaling can be therapeutic as both a preventative strategy and acute anxiety. Any journal or notebook will do, so try doing a quick entry at night before you go to bed to help you get all your stressors off your mind before going to sleep. Or, you can keep a small journal with you throughout the day and start writing when you begin to feel overwhelmed. Many people find writing to be very helpful as a coping skill, so it’s worth trying. You can also try writing down your stressors and fears and then burning them in a fire-pit or outside on a driveway as a symbolic way to rid yourself of those feelings.
  1. Mindfulness Practices
  • Mindfulness is another practice that has support from research demonstrating its effectiveness as a measure to improve psychological wellbeing. Mindfulness practices will not stop a panic attack that is already in progress, but it is a good strategy to promote mental health and resilience by consciously devoting mental energy to developing healthy habits both mentally and physically.  To get started with a mindfulness practice, try to devote 30 days to changing your habits by paying extra attention to your nutritional, exercise, and mental health needs and reducing unnecessary distractions that create extra stress such as excessive social media and technology use. If you need some help with starting a mindfulness practice, I will send you a free 30-day Mindfulness Journal here.
  1. Walking
  • Walking is great for your heart and your mind. If you feel a panic attack coming on, getting outside to walk is one of the best things you can do right away to help calm yourself down. Walk at a comfortable pace, which may be faster or slower depending on how you feel as an individual and what your body is telling you that you need at that moment. Take deep breaths while you are walking and if you happen to have your essential oils with you, inhale some of the oils while you are walking and breathing deeply.  This is one of the most effective combinations to combat an acute panic attack. You can also use one of the guided meditation apps in conjunction with walking, which may also help reduce acute anxiety.
  1. Sensory Distraction
  • This strategy involves using your 5 senses to distract yourself and redirect energy to your body in the present moment. Try stimulating your senses by running cool water over your wrists, inhaling from a bottle of calming essential oils, using a Scalp Massager  to stimulate your ASMR response, visual identification, or other methods. For a full description of how to use sensory distraction to help with panic and anxiety, see my post on the topic here.
  1. Emotional Support Animals and Pets
  • If you have an emotional support animal (ESA) already, then you know how important your animal can be to helping reduce anxiety. Companion animals can have a soothing presence and provide unconditional love. ESAs can be cats, dogs, rabbits, or even snakes. The most important thing is that building a physical connection with your ESA or pet can help you calm down when anxiety is building, and stroking or cuddling your animal can produce feel-good endorphins that combat the negative energy of anxiety. You can check out more about the benefits of animals in this post.
  1. Art
  • Art can be an amazing medium to express yourself and cope with overwhelming feelings. If you are artistically inclined and depending on your interests and talents, you may choose to paint, draw, sculpt, write, or play music when you feel overwhelmed to release and re-direct that energy.
  • If you (like me) are not so artistically inclined but still love art and want to try using it to help with stress, then Adult Coloring Books are the way to go. There are lots of adult coloring books out there now with many different themes, so pick one and grab a set of colored pencils or pens and try it.

 

Refocusing Your Mental Energy

What all of these strategies have in common is that they bring your attention from the source of your anxiety and stress back to your own body and mind.  They all include a method of directing your energy and attention towards what is happening in the present moment and using that energy towards mental and physical healing.

Anxiety is associated with worrying about the future in some capacity.  Many people with anxiety conditions worry about having an unexpected panic attack and they experience stress and fear about whether they will be able to cope with it when it happens. Bringing our attention to the present moment with strategies such as these can help reduce the anxiety that you feel about potential outcomes that may happen in the future.  This doesn’t take away our need to think about the future, and it doesn’t change our need to attend to our own needs in the present. But it can help balance those emotions and bring them into proportion.

I think of managing anxiety as a two-part process.  You need to have an overall strategy to create a sense of balance and general stress reduction methods to improve your overall quality of life. Then, you also need to have that toolbox full of coping skills that can help you in the acute moments when you begin to feel overwhelmed or panicked.  The strategies outlined above can help with both.

If you are regularly incorporating some of these strategies into your life, you will experience an overall reduction in stress and improved sense of balance in your life.  However, during moments of panic or overwhelm you want to also have methods such as aromatherapy and sensory distraction to help calm you down when needed.

You may have already practiced some of these strategies before, but if there are some you haven’t tried yet, try to incorporate some new methods into your routine.  You may be surprised to find out what works for you, and none of them will do you harm if you practice them mindfully.

How to use Yoga for Depression

How to use Yoga for Depression

Depression is a prevalent mental health condition that many people struggle with either chronically or for a shorter period of time throughout their life.  While therapy or medication are common recommendations for treatment, there are also other adjunct treatments that can be used alongside traditional mental health treatment.

Adjunct therapies are not recommendations that are made necessarily as an alternative to traditional therapies.  Adjunct therapies for depression are intended to function as supportive methods to compliment primary therapy.  While seeing a therapist or psychiatrist for treatment of depression, your treatment provider may also recommend that you engage in activities such as yoga, mindfulness practices, meditation, breathing exercises, or other massage to help you develop a healing mindset and a healthy mind-body connection.

Our bodies are deeply connected to our mental health.  Many who have suffered from depression know that your body often responds to depression with symptoms such as fatigue, aches and pains, muscle tension, and sleeping difficulties.  Yoga is an adjunct therapy that can be used to both promote and help sustain healing in these areas.

A recent study on depression and yoga from the journal PLOS One found that after 8 weeks, participants with depression who attended a 90-minute hatha yoga practice twice a week had significant reductions in their symptoms of depression.  The participants also showed improvement in measures of self-efficacy and self-esteem.

If you want to try using yoga as an adjunct treatment for depression, consider using a similar strategy to help manage your symptoms and see if you find  a benefit in the practice.  If you have never tried yoga before, don’t be intimidated.  You do not have to do any poses that seem too difficult, and there are many resources for beginners. Take the following steps to create a sustainable plan that helps you feel better and doesn’t overwhelm you.

  1. Commit to trying the practice for at least 8 weeks.
  • If you already do yoga, consider whether you can increase the number of sessions you do currently. Twice a week is a good goal to start with.
  • Think about time versus number of sessions in regards to what works best for you. If you can only fit in 30 minutes at a time, aim for 3-4 sessions a week. If you can commit to a 90 minute session, twice a week may be fine. Or, consider doing a quick 15 minute practice twice a day if that fits better for you. Whatever you choose, just make sure it feels feasible for you.  Some is better than none, so don’t stress too much about it too much, just focus more on being consistent.
  1. Decide what kind of practice setting works best for you:
  • Home yoga with video instruction
    • You can buy yoga DVDs to use at home, or you can use a streaming service like GAIA that has yoga instructional videos. Also, YouTube has channels and instructors that do yoga videos, so you can search and find videos that interest you and are at your level.
  • Attend a class with an instructor and other students
    • Class attendance will usually cost you a fee for studio membership or a per class rate, so you will need to evaluate whether the costs at your chosen studio are affordable to you. However, many gyms now offer classes that are included in your membership, you if you do belong to a gym, check and see if they have classes that work for your schedule. Some communities offer free of reduced rate classes, so check your local magazines or Facebook groups to see if you have any close by that you can attend.
  • Independent practice
    • If you are advanced or have been practicing yoga for a while, you can always guide yourself through poses. If you are a beginner, get a book that can provide some instructions for beginner poses, or look for articles online that provide pictures to demonstrate poses.
    • The benefit here is that you can choose which poses you need for that practice and pick your own music and ambiance. Another benefit is that you can practice anywhere, indoors or out. Pick a location that works for you, whether that is your bedroom, a nearby park, or your backyard, or a porch.
  1. Pick a hatha-style practice that fits your abilities
  • Hatha yoga is a gentle style of practice that has been demonstrated in research to reduce symptoms of depression. Many yoga resources use hatha yoga, so look for this specific type of practice, or look for the terms “for beginners, for relaxation, for stress-relief” when reading descriptions. Other types of yoga are also fine to do if you like, but hatha in particular has been shown to be effective.
  • Go for the level that best suits your personal experience, whether that is beginner, intermediate, or advanced.
  1. Set intentions for practice that promote healing from depression
  • Many instructors will encourage you to set an intention for your practice. This is just a way of creating a mental note about where you want your mind to be focused as you practice. When you feel your mind drifting to other thoughts, try to use your intention to center your mind back on just concentration on your breathing or your body.
  • You can use a specific phrase or a mantra as your intention. Examples include “Healing”, “Just Breathe”, “Letting go of sadness”, “Letting go of grief”. Repeat your chosen phrase or mantra when your mind is wandering during your practice. For more tips on building a personal mantra, check out this post.
  1. Journal how you feel throughout the 8 weeks to determine if the practice is helping or if you need to make any adjustments
  • Any kind of journaling will do. Just record how you feel and make notes about your mood throughout the day on the days that you practice and try to notice any changes that you feel. The fact that you are taking the time to take care of yourself is therapeutic in itself, so think of journaling as your own personal notes on your progress.

 

Yoga can be a great addition to your therapeutic efforts towards managing your depression. While it is not a substitute for traditional therapy or the advice of your doctor, it has been shown to be effective in managing symptoms, and therefore can be a beneficial part of an overall plan to manage your depression.

Plus, if you have trouble finding time for yourself, you can know that yoga is part of your symptom management and therefore not just another exercise routine. This might be helpful if you need to let family or others know that you need this time to devote to your practice as part of your need to manage your depression. Put your sessions in your calendar or on the family calendar if it helps you to prioritize your practice.

You can also ask your doctor or therapist for a written recommendation for a yoga practice.  That may help if you need to have a personal reminder to commit to your practice, and depending on your insurance you could get reimbursement for class fees, discounts on gym fees, or potentially use your Health Saving Account to help with costs. Just make sure to check your policies to see if that is an option for you.

If you have been struggling with depression, remember that depression is a condition that can treated with strategies including therapy, medication, and adjunct or alternative treatments. Yoga can be an effective strategy to help manage your symptoms and bring some relief from your depression.  It can be hard to feel motivated to take care of yourself when you are depressed, but giving yourself the time and attention to focus on your breath and your body can help bring healing to your mind as well.

ASMR: Are You a Tinglehead?

ASMR: Are You a Tinglehead?

 

ASMR is a phenomenon known as Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and most people experience it as a tingling sensation that occurs in the area of the base of the neck and covers the head and sometimes the shoulders or spine.  The tingly feeling usually produces a feeling of relaxation or pleasant warmth, and it is usually stimulated by some kind of auditory or visual trigger.  It has also been referred to as having a “head orgasm”, “brain massage”, or “spine tingle”.

Many people get the ASMR sensation when someone is speaking in a soft, pleasant voice, or by certain sound triggers like softly rustling papers or sometimes music.  You might also feel the sensation from singing bowls, deep baritone notes by some instruments, or during a guided meditation session. Other triggers for the ASMR response may include:

  • Whispering triggers (again the stimulus may be the soft, gentle voice)
  • Certain ambient noises (fans, fingers tapping, crushing or crinkling noises)
  • Personal attention (someone softly touching you while playing with your hair, or massaging you)
  • Role plays (someone talking softly while walking you through a role play for a medical cosmetology procedure, or other act involving the person touching you)

Interesting, not everyone experiences ASMR in response to these triggers.  While some people may feel relaxed or pleasant when exposed to some of the previously mentioned triggers, they may not get the actual tingling sensation or sensation of warmth in their head and neck.  So who actually experiences ASMR? Why does it occur? And what does it mean?

Because the phenomenon is fairly young in the public consciousness, not much research has been done into why exactly some people experience ASMR.  However, some speculate that it may be a function related to bonding, as it generally produces pleasant feelings in response to another person giving you personal attention or care.  Until relatively recently, circa 2007 or so, no one even really had a name for the sensation, until the rise of social media contributed to more people talking about it and sharing their experiences.  As a result, most of the information we have on the sensation is anecdotal.

Now, people create entire YouTube channels devoted to ASMR stimulation videos, where soft-voiced hosts crinkle paper and pretend to give you a facial, while their audiences zone out and get their tingle on.  It sounds a little weird but it’s amazingly popular and has people asking “Why are millions of viewers watching this woman scratch paper in a dimly lit room?”

Researchers have started to gather data on the subject and develop studies to learn more about it.  They’ve found that many people are seeking out ASMR stimulus to help them sleep, relieve stress, and even combat pain and depression.  One study found that the brains of people who report ASMR reactions may be connected in different ways from other people without ASMR reactions.  The study looked at brain imaging between people who reported ASMR and those who did not.  They found differences in how the brains of people with ASMR responses reacted to different stimuli,  including what areas of the brain “lit up” and how well those areas connected with other parts of the brain.  The researchers concluded that “it is possible that ASMR reflects a reduced ability to inhibit sensory-emotional experiences that are suppressed in most individuals”.  In other words, people who have ASMR responses tend to be highly sensitive.

ASMR has also been associated with the phenomenon of synesthesia, a condition in which people see numbers as being a certain color, or “taste shapes”.  The conditions may share some overlap in how the brains of people who experiences these things are wired.  However, more research needs to be done to fully understand both conditions.

Another study found that people who experience ASMR, or Tingleheads, as they affectionately call themselves, scored higher on measures for “openness to experiences” and neuroticism.  Researchers still don’t really know why one person experiences ASMR while another person doesn’t.  But there is potential for therapeutic applications, as Tingleheads are already reportedly inducing ASMR to combat insomnia, trigger relaxation, and reduce negative feelings associated with depression and anxiety.

For now, it appears that there is no danger or negative side effects from triggering ASMR, and it appears to be a pleasant and beneficial exercise for those with an ASMR sensitivity.  If you are a Tinglehead, think of ASMR triggers as just another tool for coping, and count it as a unique strength.  You may be more sensitive than others, and have more of those sensory-emotional connections.  Luckily for you, you also have the ability to tap into your own relaxation triggers and facilitate that warm fuzzy feeling.

You can check out lots of ASMRtists (yes, they have a name too) by searching on YouTube, but here’s a link to a popular ASMRtist on the Gentle Whispering channel.